Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

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When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

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An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. " I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

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THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Purple Hats

In honor of Beautiful Women's Month and in memory of Belinda Emmett who lost
her fight with cancer, please pass this on to five women.

If you don't know five women to pass this on to, one will do just fine.

'If I had my life over'
By Belinda Emmett
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer)

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the Earth
would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for a day... I would have
burned the pink candle sculpted into a rose before it melted in storage... I
would have talked less and listened more... I would have invited friends
over to dinner even if the carpet was stained or the sofa faded... I would
have eaten popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the
dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace... I would have
taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth... I would
have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband... I would
never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my
hair had just been teased and sprayed... I would have sat on the lawn with
my grass stains... I would have cried and laughed less while watching
television and more while watching life... I would never have bought
anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed
to last a lifetime...

Beautiful Women's Month

Age 3 She looks at herself and sees a Queen

Age 8 She looks at herself and sees Cinderella

Age 15 She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister ('Mum, I
can't go to school looking like this!')

Age 20 She looks at herself and sees 'too fat / too thin /
too short / too tall / too straight / too curly' - but decides she's going
out anyway

Age 30 She looks at herself and sees 'too fat / too thin /
too short / too tall / too straight / too curly' - but decides she doesn't
have time to fix it, so she's going out anyway

Age 40 She looks at herself and sees 'clean' and goes out
anyway

Age 50 She looks at herself and sees 'I am' and goes wherever
she wants to

Age 60 She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the
people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore - goes out and
conquers the world

Age 70 She looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and
ability and goes out to enjoy life

Age 80 Doesn't even bother to look - just puts on a purple
hat and goes out to have fun with the world

Maybe we should put on that purple hat earlier...

If you don't mind, send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as
friends.

Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier

An Interview with an 80-year-old Woman

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just got married -- for the 4th time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about
what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about
her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she
wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first 3
husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all
those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face
and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first
married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a
circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when
in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked
why she had married 4 men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married 1 for the money, 2
for the show, 3 to get ready, and 4 to go.'

I wan't going to post this in case it offended any BMW car drivers out there, but as i nearly avoided a collision with one earlier today as he reversed out of his driveway onto a major road then proceeded to scream abuse at me just because I tooted him so he knew I was there, I came home and found this email and had to smile.

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap, between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! (The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn).

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway,
but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights on his front grille and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew “That my car goes fast!”
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either. They're £20 each and I was only allowed 3). But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take if off me!
See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you drive a BMW.

There isn't much I want to say, But due to recent events thought I had better warn you about the following:

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.
I walked into B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the bastard out. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Pass this warning on.

Have a good day

Fantastic end to the week.

Barclaycard wrote to tell us of unusual activity on our card - yes it would be unusual as we don't use it!

Anyhow, some lowest form of humanity has cloned our rarely used card and has been on a spending spree in France and Spain, totalling over £1000 in the last three days!!

Hubby phoned Barclaycard and ended up in an argument with the operator as it is mainly me that uses the card he had to ask me the question the barclaycard people asked him, therefore she refused to speak to him. Mad dash to nearest barclays branch, with passport and driving licence to prove who he was, they had just closed, but after hubby swore and kicked at the door several times in anger persuaded them to open up and explained what had happened, they kindly phoned the fraud office, confirming who he was and let him speak to them complete with all details.

End result is we have to fill out numerous forms when they arrive in the post, cut up our cards and be issued with new accounts.

Not happy bunny and hope the bastards who did this have a very, very miserable life, are finally caught and buggered in prison and eventually rot in hell.

Course that will never happen but I can wish can't I?

A young woman, expecting her first child in 8 weeks times, does some housework and decides to let some air into her house while she works.. Therefore she leaves her back door open.

While she is working away, dusting, tidying and hoovering, a man enters her garden, then her house, with a knife and threatens her.

Fearing for her life, she pleads with him for over 10 minutes. He lunges at her and she puts out her hand in defence to deflect the blow of the knife as it heads towards her face, cutting her hand quite badly in the process.

He bundles her into a room, throws her to the ground and tells her to stay there.

After 10 mins she manages to crawl to the door to see if he has gone, which thankfully he has, so she calls the police and ambulance, who arrive within minutes.

She needs surgery, but they are reluctant to do it until the baby is born. In the meantime she has lost all feeling in her hand as the blade has cut through some nerve endings. They have stitched it for now, all they can do apparently.

All this for a mobile phone and £20.

She is lucky, it could have been worse, but it doesn't make the situation any better.

This took place within a mile from where I live.

Scary!

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?'

The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.'

'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me!'

'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird.'

'Oh yeah?' the guy asks, 'Then answer this how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?'

'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this
wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers.'

'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand and speak English can't you?'

'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any
topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy.

I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion.'

The guy looks at the $20000 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.'

'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You
can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!'

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he
understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes,
'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's
about your wife and the postman.'

'What are you talking about?' asks the guy.

'When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.'

'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?'

'Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,' reported
the parrot.

'NO!' he exclaims. 'And she let him?'
'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie! , got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....'

Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED?'

'Damned if I know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!'

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.
They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when
one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred
blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty
minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running off together behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left."

The male statue asks the woman statue, "Would you like to do it again?"

"Oh, yes let's," she replies! "But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.

I am so tired.

In the last 48 hours I have had about 6 hours sleep.

I don't do well without my usual 10 hours.

Mind you hubby thought he was helping by sending me to bed early to watch Beowulf in comfort.

Didn't watch all of it though, because I started to doze of so thought I had better pay a visit to the toilet, which woke me up!

Tossed and turned, coughed for England.

Always worse at night.

Ah well better get off to work now, no good sitting here feeling sorry for myself.

Wonder if I phone the doctor today will it give them enough notice to fit me in in two weeks time?

Doubt I will get an emergency appointment!

Have a good day everyone

Hugs xxx