Spread your wings and fly away

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at
the next table. He has been checking her
out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.

He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as
she pops her eye back in place.

"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . . ..

Wait for it. .

It's coming. .

The suspense is killing you, isn't it?

She says:

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Apples & Wine

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the
tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are
afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the
apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the
top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're
amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one
who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree.

Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up
to women to stomp the sh*t out of them until they turn into something
acceptable to have dinner with.

A South American scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has
discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read
their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late

Just trying to catch up after not being on here for a couple of days (well only being allowed on briefly.

Some of the sites I visit have gone.

Where did Old- Nig go? He used to make me laugh.

An Amish woman and her daughter were riding in an old buggy one cold
blustery day. The daughter said to her mother, "My hands are freezing
cold."

The mother replied, "Put them between your legs.
Your body heat will warm them up." The daughter did and her hands
warmed up.

The next day the daughter was riding in the buggy with her boyfriend
who said, "My hands are freezing cold."

The girl replied, "Here, put them between my legs.
The warmth of my body will warm them up." He was surprised but did
and warmed his hands.

The following day the boyfriend was again in the buggy with the
daughter. He said, "My nose is cold."The girl replied "then put it
between my legs. The warmth of my body will warm it up."
He did and warmed his nose.
The now excited boyfriend thinking fast said, "Gosh my penis is
frozen solid."

The follow ing day the daughter was driving in the buggy with her
mother, and she says to her mother, "Have you ever heard of a
peniss?" Slightly concerned the mother said, "Why, yes. Why do you
ask?" The daughter replies, "They make one heck of a mess when they
defrost, don't they?"

George Bush has a heart attack and dies.

He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what
to

do here," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for
you,

but you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going
o
do.
I've got 3 people here in separate rooms who weren't quite as bad as
you.

I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even
let

YOU decide who leaves, alright?"

George thinks that sounds pretty good, so he agrees. The Devil opens
the

door into the first room.

In it is John Howard floundering around in a large pool of water. He
keeps sinking and resurfacing over and over and over, gasping for air.

Such was his fate in Hell.

"No!" George cries. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I
don't

think I could do that all day long, forever."

The Devil leads him to the next room.

In it is Tony Blair with a sledgehammer. The room is full of large
rocks.

All Blair does is swing that sledgehammer, time after time after time,
over

and over, smashing rocks and more rocks immediately appear to replace
the

ones he smashes.

"No!" exclaims George. I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would
be

in constant agony if I had to smash up rocks all day, forever!"

The Devil opens the third door.

In it, George sees Bill Clinton pegged out naked on the floor with his
arms

staked over his head and his legs spreadeagled out. Bent over Clinton
is

Monica Lewinsky, busily doing what Monica does best. George Bush looks
at

this in disbelief for a while and finally says, "Yeah, okay, I can
handle

this."

The Devil smiles and says gently...."Monica, you're free to go."

MORRIS AND HIS WIFE, ESTHER WENT TO

THE STATE FAIR EVERY YEAR.

EVERY YEAR, MORRIS WOULD SAY,

"ESTHER, I'D LIKE TO RIDE IN THAT HELICOPTER."

ESTHER ALWAYS REPLIED,

" I KNOW MORRIS, BUT THAT HELICOPTER RIDE

IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS."

A FEW YEARS LATE R, ESTHER AND MORRIS

WENT TO THE FAIR.

MORRIS SAID, "ESTHER, I'M 90 YEARS OLD.

IF I DON'T RIDE THAT HELICOPTER NOW,

I MIGHT NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE."

ESTHER REPLIED, "MORRIS,

THAT HELICOPTER IS 50 DOLLARS AND 50 DOLLARS

IS 50 DOLLARS."

THE PILOT OVERHEARD THE COUPLE. HE SAID,

"FOLKS, I'LL MAKE YOU A DEAL.

I'LL TAKE THE BOTH OF YOU FOR A RIDE.

IF YOU CAN STAY QUIET FOR THE ENTIRE

RIDE AND NOT SAY A WORD,
I WON'T CHARGE YOU! BUT IF YOU SAY ONE WORD,

IT'S 50 DOLLARS."

MORRIS AND ESTHER AGREED --- AND UP THEY WENT.

THE PILOT DID ALL KINDS OF FANCY MANEUVERS.

BUT NOT A WORD WAS HEARD.

HE DID HIS DAREDEVIL TRICKS OVER AND OVER AGAIN,

BUT STILL NOT A WORD.

WHEN THEY LANDED, THE PILOT TURNED TO MORRIS.

HE SAID, "BY GOLLY, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD TO GET

YOU TO YELL OUT, BUT YOU DIDN'T. I'M IMPRESSED!"

MORRIS REPLIED, "WELL, I WAS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING
WHEN ESTHER FELL OUT, BUT 50 DOLLARS IS 50 DOLLARS.

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out. Well, read on.

While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not.

It's happening every day. My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang, because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump.

Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched.

One morning I was fixing my hair, and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself.

Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee. That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you? The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you? I think I finally found my thighs ... and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them! This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed, and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept. Now I keep them hidden in my waistband.

Groaner

Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they

got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the

groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The

groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The

wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom

leaned over and said to the groom-broom, "I think I am going

to have a little whisk broom!!!"

"IMPOSSIBLE !!" said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this?

Brace yourself.

This is really going to hurt!

"WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!"

Oh for goodness sake... laugh, or at least groan.

Life's too short not to enjoy........ even these silly

little cute..... and clean jokes.

Sounds to me like she's been

"sweeping" around!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Have a Great Day!!!!

Found out yesterday that my son will be losing yet another teacher.

This is his 5 year at this school, yet this will now be his 10th teacher.

And they wonder why he is disinterested.

Perhaps it is due to the fact it is always his yeargroup that suffers due to having no consistency?

Believe me if I could change schools I would, but that at the moment is not an option either.

I feel soooooooo angry!!