I was trying to teach the dogs how to sing.

Yes sing.

There they were, music in the background and they are attempting to sing 'Silent Night'. Except I am getting annoyed with the Whippet because all he keeps doing is bark!

Then hubby swore

I woke up he got out of bed, whippet is barking because he accidently got shut in the living room!

Go back to sleep.

This time I am telling a group of year 5 children how to test their food and drink for radiation poisoning using, of all things, a banana. Apparently when you stick the banana into the food/drink, if it has radiation poisoning it will go black. Then there is always that one child who has to ask "what if the banana has been poisoned?"

"Don't be silly you can't poison a banana" I say.

and wake up thankfully before I tell them anything else even more ridiculous than the last!

..........................................................

Full of phlem this morning but had a better nights sleep despite all the strange dreams I had. Staying away from work, will go back on Monday.

Ok this craving for lucozade instead of tea is beginning to freak me out a little bit! Opened 4th bottle this morning!

Not going in today, definately have got an ear infection and have an appointment to see the minor illnesses nurse this afternoon to get some antibiotics for it. Sinuses also inflammed, head is hurting!

Weather is very bright, sunny but very very cold. I can see frost on my car though fortunately I didn't have to go out, my friend took youngest to school for me. Bless her she is worried I won't make Friday Night for staff meal, and to be honest I don't think I will make it either, it is the last thing I fancy at the moment!

Yesterdays eating was 2 weetabix in the morning, 2 toasted muffins at about 3pm, a yogurt at 6. Didn't have anything else, to be honest as I dished up the casserole for Nig and the kids my stomach churned - I realised I didn't want it so didn't have any, think I would have been sick. Not feeling hungry this morning either and the thought of food makes me feel ill - this is unnatural for me as usually being ill is a good excuse to eat what you want!

CJ hope that your other half made it to her destination last night hun, and you had a good long chat. Huge hugs to you and your family!

Well it is Tuesday and this must be one of the wettest Novembers in History. Today it is pouring down. Hard. I heard it on the conservatory roof last night as I lay in bed, trying to breathe again in the middle of the night. Hubby not too impressed, he is supposed to be working outside today so hope it does clear up for hims a little otherwise no work will get done, therefore no pay

Feeling a little better this morning. Still craving lucozade, how to tell I am unwell I crave the one thing that I hate drinking with a vengence! Over the past couple of days I have drank two large bottles, enough to make me feel sick, yet I wake up again this morning with a craving for it again!

Not going in to work, apart from spreading my germs I am bound to pick something else up, so I have decided I will not go back until I am definately feeling better, not having hot and cold flushes, not coughing heart up, blowing nose, or struggling to breathe through nose!

Right off to try and eat some breakfast. Good for the diet all this, cannot breathe and eat so yesterday all I had was two weetabix and 6 crackers!

Might lose weight this week then lol

Sorry I didn't get back to ppl who posted yesterday, I spent most of the day wrapped up in blankets on the sofa, catching up with Grey's Anatomy and sleeping.

Today I feel worse than I did yesterday, compounded by the fact that I had very little sleep in the night. If it wasn't the fact that my nose was bunged up it was because I was coughing heart up as well. No rest at all.

Today a friend has taken my son to school for me so I don't have to go out. I have rung in sick and I am going to take up my place on the sofa. I might venture to the bathroom and shower, then again i might not depends on how I feel - a quick wash may be better

Wet, dull and nasty here anyway, not helping my mood much!

Have a good day Blogland!

Shopping trip went well yesterday with friends despite cold getting worse and having a tap on the end of my nose!

Lost count the number of times I blew it or coughed!!!

Today I feel like death warmed up. I cannot breath through my nose, and blowing it doesn't make any difference. I have done the steam inhalation etc, had vicks shoved up it but to no avail

I am coughing like a trooper, in fact by the sounds of it you would think I smoked - which I don't - and I ache all over.

I have only just emerged from the bed because I wanted some water, room spinning so think I will head back.

Work will be really cheesed off if I phone in sick tomorrow, but do I care?

Dark, cold and windy outside. Really did not want to get out of bed this morning and the first words out of hubbys mouth were not "Good morning darling would you like a cup of tea" but

" cricket team what the is wrong with them!"

Great

So I drag myself out of bed, make a cuppa, take some beechams powders for my throat which feels like someone has scrapped raw with a sharp knife, coughed my heart up, then laid drapped over my fitball in the hope my back would re align itself.

He finally makes an appearance and tells me he had a bad night (I know he kept me awake), he couldn't breath (I know) he is stuffed up (I know) and feels like crap - drinks his tea and goes off to work

Youngest puts in an appearance. "Do you have a cold mum" he says.

Thanks for noticing son was beginning to think I was invisible there for a minute!

.................................................................

So today I have a contact lens check up, need to transfer some money over from one account to another, work out how much money I have until pay day, look for a top to go with a skirt for the works do, drag myself into work and take two lessons, come home, find cheque book, write out cheque for youngest swimming lessons (£49.00 if I pay today otherwise it will be £58.00 for next term!) take him swimming, come home and hope t'other half remembers to pick some chips up because I am not going to cook.

Tomorrow I have the task of driving all the way to Makro in South Acton to take two friends out for our yearly trip to stock up. To be fair for one of the friends it is her only chance to get out for Christmas, and try not to spend too much money - mmmm not sure I can do that one. Weather forecast for tomorrow is gale force winds - lovely.

Also parts of the M1 will be closed off as well so what should only be a 45 minute journey will now be a lot longer as I will have to go the long way round.

Oh well, going to make myself another cuppa and chill before the madness starts!

Nigel has man flu.

He came home yesterday, made himself a Beechams, blew his nose loudly on some tissues, sneezed, blew again, coughed, made all sorts of loud noises, sat in chair and groaned.

"Got a cold?" says I

"I just feel awful" he replies.

After the umpteenth time of him blowing his nose I am losing the will to live. He is impossible to be around when he is like this.

9pm arrives, peace at last, he goes to bed.

Unfortunately he is still awake when I go up.

Cough cough, he goes weakly.

"Do we have any asprin?" he asks weakly

"Yes in the cupboard" I reply.

he lays there for a while then when he realises I am not going to wait on him he goes trotting downstairs in search of the box of tablets.

I hear him tutting and cursing in the kitchen, banging cupboard doors. Good job the kids sleep like the dead.

He eventually makes a reappearance, telling me he has taken the said tablet and then proceeds to spend the night, tossing, turning, coughing AAAARRRGGGHHH.

This morning is no better though he has (thankfully) gone to work. It isn't that bad then.

I am not uncaring, really I am not.

It is only a cold which he has passed on to me

I really cannot believe it is morning already.

I feel like I have only just gone to bed!

It is dark outside which doesn't encourage you to get up and do those all important exercises, which is probably why I am suffering with my back. TBH don't much feel like doing any form of exercise of an evening either when I come home!

Probably why the weight is piling on

Must get my head back into eating wisely mode instead of shoving anything into my mouth problem is with so many ppl bringing in tempting things to school due to birthdays etc it is difficult - I keep saying no but somehow something ends up in my mouth!

Oh well, better get a move on and get ready for work.

have a good day everyone!

Have you ever sat down and thought what is the point in all this?

Don't worry I haven't hit depression mode just yet.

It is just that for a while now I have been thinking about giving up one of the Governing bodies I belong to.

Why?

Because I feel like all I am doing is pushing the dreaded paperwork around, or going around in circles and not seeing any improvement. Because I don't feel like I can suppost a school where the head does not consider the welfare of the children in her care.
Because my child after christmas will be on his 10th teacher since he started school (he is now in year 4).
Because I can't see anything changing only getting worse.

Unfortunately when I spoke of my concerns to a friend, she told me that without me on the Governing body, it will fall apart as I was one of only a few that will challenge what happens and question it.

Praise indeed but unfounded.

yet I know full well I probably will stay and see it through to the bitter end, well at least until my child moves onto high school.

The other Governors are so blinkered. They do not have children there, they do not know what is really going on only what they are being told by the head - surprise, surprise.

And so I book myself on yet another course to help me fulfil my role.

Will I be appreciated? No I don't think so but yet I still go on in the hope that one day someone will listen and help me sort it out. You never know

Tuesday Morning dawns bright and early.

Ok not quite true.

When I was rudely awoken at 4 am this morning, the room was in total darkness. Hubby was swearing at a dog who had woken him to go outside, then spend an inordinate amount of time surveying the garden.

Took ages to get back to sleep again only to have an alarm going off at 5.30 heralding a new day. Half an hour later, I drag my weary body out of bed and begin the routine that gets me going - tea and lots of it!

So far the sun is trying to shine but it is very cold outside. Had the day off yesterday as I had some sort of stomach virus, but will go in today - don't start till 10 though so can ease in gently. Tuesdays are quite a nice day, don't have to think too much and lessons are generally relaxing. I get a lot of admin done on Tuesdays which is nice, eases me in to the onslaught that Wednesday brings - but that is another story.

I did get all the ironing cleared though, so at least everyone will stop moaning about the lack of clothes in their wardrobes. Did tell them the faires don't do the ironing and have shown them how to use an iron but alas, it always is me. Have told eldest that in future I will sort his clothes out into a pile and he can iron his own - knowing him though most of his clothes will be work unironed - lets face it, I iron he screws them up before wearing anyway!!!

Right, sandwiches have to be made and I should do some housework before I leave even if it is only to show the telly what a duster looks like.

After wallowing in misery in bed this morning, listening to mums excitement over the phone because she has finally spent some money on herself and bought a computer, I finally dragged myself out of bed, kicked out Nigel and went food shopping.

We had nothing in the house.

Asda was packed as usual, and I just knew that I would not feel like cooking a dinner when I got home, so we opted for some roasted Chicken from the Rotisserie, a couple of packes of mashed potato to heat up in the microwave which we had with some tin spaghetti.

it was delicious and made a huge change.

Full of mixed emotion and don't really know why, which is why things round here have been a bit quiet of late.

Personally I am blaming the change in the weather, the fact that I get up in the morning while it is still dark and come home from work at dusk.

Work has been hectic, seem to chase my tail and not get anywhere fast. Then there is the worry about spending money on presents while trying to pay the bills.

One bright spot in all this is I finally managed to get Nig to phone the building society where we have our mortgage and get it transferred to fixed rate. It will cost us £249 to do but at least for the next 5 years I will not have to worry about the payments going up for now

Went shopping with mum on Friday. She was just so relieved to get out of the house. We walked the length and breadth of Watford town centre several times, till we could do it no more. She now has most of the items she wanted and treated me to a skirt for the works 'do' on 1st Dec. Now all I need to find is a top to go with it and I am sorted.

I overspent. I have most of the kids pressies, still have to get Nigs, but I know roughly what he wants. I have bought him a Tenacious D album and have decided to get the new one they have released as well (note this has nothing to do with the fact I really wanted it!)! WE both want to see the Tenacious D film - Nigel is a Jack Black fan so might treat him to a night out at the cinema to see it.

So I am nearly sorted for Christmas. work is still work, one application form is in and I am waiting to hear, though having 2nd thoughts about whether I want the job or not now.

Still don't feel great though, feeling fed up with everything. I have done nothing at home, ironing is piling up and there is the small problem of completing this dragon in time for Christmas as well! AAARRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!

The innocent victims of Internet child abuse cannot speak for themselves.

But you can.

With your help, we can eradicate this evil trade.

We do not need your money.

We need you to light a candle of support

http://www.lightamillioncandles.com

We're aiming to light at least One Million Candles by December 31,
2006.

This petition will be used to encourage governments, politicians,
financial institutions, payment organisations, Internet service
providers, technology companies and law enforcement agencies to
eradicate the commercial viability of online child abuse.

They have the power to work together. You have the power to get them
to take action.

Please light your candle at lightamillioncandles.com
http://www.lightamillioncandles.com

Together, we can destroy the commercial viability of Internet child
abuse sites that are destroying the lives of innocent children.

You don't need to leave your details at the end unless you want to, I
just left my first name and country and submit.

Can you believe these?

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her
that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better
bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in
getting it out of the pl ane and home. Shortly after they took it for
a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming
towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the
emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
branch and wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call
the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank
of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After
waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated,
the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as
he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead
of payment, he sent the police department a photo graph of $ 40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that
contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately
mailed in his $40.

Smartass. But you still get a sign

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash
in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the
counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as
well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you
are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to
give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the
robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the
clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact
over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from
the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and
gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Seven of 2006

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking
him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of
plexi-glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, here's your
sign.

Yet again I don't seem to have done much yet I have been very busy at work. Lots going on there again, no two days ever seem to be straight forward anymore!

Came home to the Pigsty I call home, day off tomorrow which will be spent taking mum to watford for the day Christmas shopping.

So housework will not get done again and of course no one else will do it despite my best efforts!

God don't I moan at times lol!

Right kids need feeding better get on and do that or I will win the worst mother in the world category again - they are both p***ed off with me this morning as I insisted on brushing their teeth for them lol!

Yesterday, sat here and read blogs from quite a few who seemed to be down a little so sent you all hugs to cheer you up. Thanks to everyone who replied, I am so sorry I didn't get back to you but blogland is playing up a little for me. I got signed out again yesterday and couldn't log back on, then tried to post something, it took 20 minutes for it to go through only to get the annoying 'page cannot be displayed' sign and when I logged on this morning I find my post is now lost in cyberspace somewhere

So my humble apologies again.

So today, work then dashed home to go to the dentist. Annual check up (should be six monthly but forgot to make appointment).

Youngest went in first. Bless him I think the poor kid has my sisters problem with teeth as they are all coming through very crooked and his mouth doesn't seem big enough to cope with them all! Dentist thinks he needs to see the orthodontist so I have filled a form out for him.

Eldest child I honestly could kill. 15 years old and you have to nag him to get him to clean his teeth. he often tells me he has when I know full damm well he hasn't to the point where I tell him that I will brush them using the nail brush if he doesn't. Dentist now worried about his teeth, they are not good. He got the nurse to demonstrate to son how to clean his teeth properly and told him that if there is no improvement he will take the nail brush to them.

He has to go back in 2 weeks time to make sure that they have been cleaned properly - they will be I will be doing them!!!

Me - perfect teeth, lovely and clean, commented on my fused tooth (yet again) then poked one of my filled teeth which disintegrated (the filling that is). Told him that would happen on the other side as well, so I am having two fillings replaced.

hubby - the one with imperfect teeth - doesn't need anything done to his at all !!!!!!!!

So I am £62 poorer including the deposit one needs to pay to see the hygienest in a couple of weeks time though if she leaves me in as much pain as she did last time this will definately be the last time I will go!

Of course we then had half an hour of listening to dentist and hubby discussing football and comparing penalties - hubby being a spurs supporter, dentist Arsenal, both season ticket holders they had quite a bit to catch up on and compare.

Eventually dragged hubby away bearing in mind that he didn't want to go to the dentist in the first place lol!!

And now a quick catch up on posts and off to do my sewing.

Lets see if I can get this one to post in one go lol!!!

So Tuesday morning arrives.

Radio Five comes blaring on at 5.30 this morning, hubby groans, I am already awake trying to decide wherever to get up and exercise or lay in bed another half and hour before I ease tired, aching joints out of bed.

I lay there listening to Andrew Verity telling me that the cost of living is going to rise again (oh joy) and Mickey Clarke discussing the new Mortgage Halifax are launching (sorry HBos) at 125% of your earnings.

Sense recession coming perhaps? Worrying thought. Must get in contact with Building society and sort out our mortgage is the thought going through my mind, keep meaning to go back onto fixed rate and it is obvious to me that no matter how much I nag hubby into phoning them up - yes we have to phone them they will not deal with us in the branch as there is not enough staff apparently - he will not do it.

Finally drag myself out of bed at 6, still cannot get the local radio in the bathroom, so have to listen to the condesending tones of Nicky Cambell as he tries to be funny and fails miserably.

And then it starts.

Nig moaning about how far he will have to travel to work today. M1 is congested again. Dogs kept him awake last night (they didn't he was dreaming), a whole stream of moans emitting from him because he is tired. His fault he didn't come to bed until two this morning, he was watching some programme on telly, something about Sex, which he goes into graphic detail about this morning like I am interested - not!

Then youngest child gets up, whingeing about how he doesn't feel very well, clutching stomach. Tuesday is not a good day to be ill, I have my counselling session to do today and my partner wasn't in last week so cannot take over for me AAARRRGGGGHHHHHH.

Lots of discussion ensues, phone calls made to getting ppl out of bed, till eventually Nig rearranges his day and decides to take youngest with him - pheww panic over.

Eldest has emerged and is quiet - obviously trying to think about how he can get out of school today - tough he is going in, he had yesterday off and is looking better today.

So waiting for the next crisis to hit - perhaps it will be in the maths lesson which I will be taking (should be a laugh don't they realise yet I am crap at maths) or the literacy lesson I am doing later

We shall see

Cook dinner - check
Eat dinner - check
Help child with homework - check
Sort out numerous problems with paperwork - check
Open post - check

And yes yet again more bills come this way and a form asking me to sign off my insurance policy so they can then pay out. Wasn't expecting this one, came as a surprise, and though it isn't a lot of money it will be enough to pay for a holiday to Florida next year if we decide to go - then again I could pay off my barclaycard - decisions decisions.

May discuss the best course of action later with Nig, the money was unexpected, I cancelled the policy (life insurance) because I found a cheaper deal elsewhere and really wasn't expecting them to pay out, so it is a bonus.

Have to go out again soon. Governor meeting looming and it looks like it will be a long one, there are a few issues a lot of us are not happy with and I certainly want to put in my tuppence worth!

Just been phoned up and asked if I will go in early tomorrow and cover a class for two lessons. Working late as well as it is my counselling group, poor kids having me to talk to about their problems!

Oh well hubby home now better go and get him some food to eat

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he
served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came
swishing down the aisle and announced
to the passengers:

"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people,
so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed
rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said,
"I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can
pitty-pa us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said,"In my country, I am
called a Princess. I take orders from no one.

"To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat
"Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up bitch."

..................................................................

This actually reminded me of our flight home from Florida a couple of years ago. the flight attendant explained everyone had to sit down and put on their seatbelts as we had hit turbulence and so it wasn't a good idea to get up, where upon a man did get up and start walking down the plane.

"Excuse me sir" said the flight attendant " DId you think my instructions didn't apply to you?"

"Oh were you talking to me as well" Said the man

"That is the whole reason why I used the tannoy now sit down!"

Whereupon the whole plane who had heard this via the tannoy, erupted in laughter.

SEX

ACUTE AGINA

An elderly couple go to bed together for the first time.
The old woman says, “Before we start, I have to warn you that I have acute angina.”
The old man looks her up and down and says, “Yes, and our tits aren’t bad either.”

AIDS

A man and a woman are having sex.
The woman says, “You haven’t got AIDS, have you?”
He says no.
She says, “Thank God. I don’t want to catch that again.”

ANGELS

A girl is standing at the gates of heaven when she hears screams of pain coming from inside.
She says to St Peter, “What’s going on?”
He says, “That’s the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos.”
She says, “Heaven sounds terrible. I think I’d rather go to hell.”
St Peter says, “In hell, you’ll be constantly raped and sodomised.”
She says, “That’s OK, I’ve already got holes for that.”

AUSTRALIAN KISS

Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same as a French kiss, but Down Under.

CHINESE WOMAN

A guy goes to a disco, picks up a Chinese woman and takes her home.
She says, “I’ll do anything you want.”
He says, “How about a 69?”
She says, “I’m not cooking at this time of night.”

CINDERELLA

Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: Gag.

CLOSED EYES

Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: Because they can’t stand to see a man having a good time.

DARK FOREST

A couple start having sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes, the man gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a torch.”
The woman says, “Me too – you’ve been eating grass for the last 10 minutes.”

DEAD WIFE

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: the sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

BEREFT DRUNK

A drunk is staggering down the street with his car keys in his hand and his cock hanging out when he sees a policeman.
He points at his keys and says, “Officer, somebody’s stolen my car.”
The policeman says, “Where did you last see it?”
The drunk says, “On the end of this key?”
The policeman notices that the drunk’s cock is hanging out and says, “Sir, are you aware that you’re exposing yourself?”
The drunk looks down and cries, “Oh no, they got my girlfriend too!”

CANCER AND ALZHEIMER’S

Doctor: “I have very bad news. You’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.”
Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

EROTIC AND KINKY

Q: What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather; kinky is using the whole chicken.

FANCY DRESS

A bloke goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
The host says, “What are you supposed to be?”
The bloke says, “Premature ejaculation: I’ve just come in my pants.”

G-SPOT AND GOLF BALL

Q: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A: A man will actually search for a golf ball.

STARTS WITH A P

Q: What always starts with a p?
A: A shit.

TEST TUBE BABY

Q: What’s the worst thing about being a test tube baby?
A: You know for sure that your dad’s a wanker.

THREE OLD LADIES

Three old ladies are walking down the street when a man in a dirty raincoat appears and flashes them.
Two have a stroke; one can’t reach.

WELSHMAN’S ANIMALS

Q: What do you call a Welshman who owns goats as well as sheep?
A: Bisexual

VAMPIRE

A vampire goes into a pub and asks for some boiling water.
The landlord says, “I thought you only drank blood?”
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, “I’m making tea.”

SKUNKS

Q: What do you call two skunks in the 69 position?
A: Odour Eaters.

SERIOUSLY ILL

A woman is seriously ill, so her husband takes her to the doctor.
The doctor says, “It’s either Alzheimer’s or AIDS.”
The husband says, “How do we find out which?”
The doctor says, “Go for a long drive in the countryside, have a picnic, then leave her in the field. If she gets home, don’t fuck her.”

ROOSTER AND FLEA

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
A: An itchy cock.

BIGGEST DRAWBACK

Q: What’s the biggest drawback in the jungle?
A: An elephant’s foreskin.

LAURA ON TOP

Q: Why does Laura Bush have to go on top?
A: Because George W Bush always fucks up.

WIVES AND JOBS

Q: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years your job still sucks.

TWO LESBIANS

Two lesbians are walking down the street with their hands down each other’s knickers.
A man walks by and says, “Why are you doing that?”
The first lesbian says, “We’re lip-reading.”

PERIOD PAINS

Q: Why do women cal period pains PMS?
A: Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

OLD WOMAN ON THE BUS

Two old women are having coffee when one asks the other, “Did you come on the bus?”
The other one says, “Yes, but I managed to make it look like an asthma attack.”

Yes it is here again.

Is it just me or do the weeks seem to be flying past far too quickly?

Reflection yesterday as I was sewing, Christmas seems to have come round very quickly this year, can remember all the preparation I put into Christmas last year.

Oh well better get a move on. Life bus is coming into work today so have to be there for that unfortunately. Before I go here is a little joke, sent to me this morning that I thought I would share to get your day started with a smile (or groan).

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for
the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being
a
little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed
both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her
to get
dressed,
he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any
milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Have a good day.

So today I sat and remembered my Grandfather and the fact he is no longer with us. What he went through in the second World war and his love for life.

My thoughts turned to my other grandfather, who died when My own father was 4, just after Dunkirk.

My Great Grandfather who fought in the first World War, his life in the trenches, one of the 'lucky ones' who came home injured and therefore avoided being killed by going over the edge.

Rememberance Sunday, always a time for reflection and rememberance, even if I no longer go to church or watch it on telly, I always buy a poppy and put it near my Crucifix at home and say a little prayer to whoever or whatever may hear it. My children do the same, it is almost traditional in house.

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Thanks for the kind comments on my last post 'friends without faces' you all mean a lot to me even if I don't get time to reply or post.

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Then torture, of we go to Toys R us where I experience my own form of Torture. I hate that place. Why oh why do parents think it is a good idea to let their little horrors try out the bikes and let them ride round the shop, unsupervised, and getting in everyone's way? Why do they insist on opening all the boxes to see if it contains everything, spilling the contents everywhere and then walking of? why do the staff seem to be blind when you approach them with a query and walk off? Why can you never find someone when you want them?

If I hate it so much why do I go?

Simple, we needed some ideas about prices for some of the items Richard has on his list, they are my guidelines then I can shop around when I go Christmas shopping next week. Youngest child and the poor thing does not have as much in his pile as his eldest brother does They both have a set amount we spend on them and Richard hasn't reached his budget yet so ideas are needed. We didn't stay for long - hubby feared I was about to have an argument with one woman about her child.

"You can wait another 3 days before you open your presents."

"No" screams the child stamping his foot and about to throw a tantrum there and then.

"yes you can darling, another 3 days will not hurt" mother says in one of them wheedling and whining voices.

"nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" screams the child at the top of his lungs, forcing tears through his eyes, so fake!

"If it upsets you that much darling you can open one present tonight and I will get you another one to replace it" Says mum who is taking a toy out of its packaging (bearing in mind she hasn't got to the till yet) to give to child.

tears suddenly stop - surprise surprise

Nigel said the look on my face said it all.

We left soon after!

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Just had a nice cup of tea, eaten some chocolate (sod the diet not in the mood), watched Lord of the Rings and now have the Muppets Treasure Island on. Simon is at a friends house, I have just redone my Chrismas listso Nigel has some idea what to get me! Now I am going to sign off, relax and do some sewing!

Have a good Sunday evening everyone and a safe journey home to those of you who went to Leeds.

We sit and we type, and we stare at our screens
We all have to wonder, what this possibly means.

With our mouse we roam, through the rooms in a maze
Looking for something or someone, as we sit in a daze.

We chat with each other, we type all our woes
Small groups we do form, and gang up on our foes.

We wait for somebody, to type out our name
We want recognition, but it is always the same.

We give kisses and hugs, and sometimes flirt
In emails we chat deeply, and reveal why we hurt.

We do form friendships - but - why we don't know
But some of these friendships, will flourish and grow.

Why is it on screen, we can be so bold
Telling our secrets, that have never been told.

Why is it we share, the thoughts in our mind
With those we can't see, as though we were blind.

The answer is simple, it is as clear as a bell.
We all have our problems, and need someone to tell.

We can't tell real people, but tell someone we must
So we turn to the 'puter, and to those we can trust.

Even though it is crazy, the truth still remains
They are Friends Without Faces, and odd little names.

Take the time to have fun and be sure to let those "friends
without faces" know how much you appreciate them.

1.I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2.I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3.I will get dressed before noon.

4.I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5.I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6.I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7.I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8.I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9.I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10.I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11.I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12.Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.
"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother and said, "Here, try these on."
So, she did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on."
She does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will and I don''t want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill took off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here You try on mine."
So he does and says, "I can''t get into your pants."
Jill says, "Exactly, and if you don''t change your attitude, you never will."