Spread your wings and fly away

I was trying to teach the dogs how to sing.

Yes sing.

There they were, music in the background and they are attempting to sing 'Silent Night'. Except I am getting annoyed with the Whippet because all he keeps doing is bark!

Then hubby swore

I woke up he got out of bed, whippet is barking because he accidently got shut in the living room!

Go back to sleep.

This time I am telling a group of year 5 children how to test their food and drink for radiation poisoning using, of all things, a banana. Apparently when you stick the banana into the food/drink, if it has radiation poisoning it will go black. Then there is always that one child who has to ask "what if the banana has been poisoned?"

"Don't be silly you can't poison a banana" I say.

and wake up thankfully before I tell them anything else even more ridiculous than the last!

..........................................................

Full of phlem this morning but had a better nights sleep despite all the strange dreams I had. Staying away from work, will go back on Monday.

Ok this craving for lucozade instead of tea is beginning to freak me out a little bit! Opened 4th bottle this morning!

Not going in today, definately have got an ear infection and have an appointment to see the minor illnesses nurse this afternoon to get some antibiotics for it. Sinuses also inflammed, head is hurting!

Weather is very bright, sunny but very very cold. I can see frost on my car though fortunately I didn't have to go out, my friend took youngest to school for me. Bless her she is worried I won't make Friday Night for staff meal, and to be honest I don't think I will make it either, it is the last thing I fancy at the moment!

Yesterdays eating was 2 weetabix in the morning, 2 toasted muffins at about 3pm, a yogurt at 6. Didn't have anything else, to be honest as I dished up the casserole for Nig and the kids my stomach churned - I realised I didn't want it so didn't have any, think I would have been sick. Not feeling hungry this morning either and the thought of food makes me feel ill - this is unnatural for me as usually being ill is a good excuse to eat what you want!

CJ hope that your other half made it to her destination last night hun, and you had a good long chat. Huge hugs to you and your family!

Well it is Tuesday and this must be one of the wettest Novembers in History. Today it is pouring down. Hard. I heard it on the conservatory roof last night as I lay in bed, trying to breathe again in the middle of the night. Hubby not too impressed, he is supposed to be working outside today so hope it does clear up for hims a little otherwise no work will get done, therefore no pay

Feeling a little better this morning. Still craving lucozade, how to tell I am unwell I crave the one thing that I hate drinking with a vengence! Over the past couple of days I have drank two large bottles, enough to make me feel sick, yet I wake up again this morning with a craving for it again!

Not going in to work, apart from spreading my germs I am bound to pick something else up, so I have decided I will not go back until I am definately feeling better, not having hot and cold flushes, not coughing heart up, blowing nose, or struggling to breathe through nose!

Right off to try and eat some breakfast. Good for the diet all this, cannot breathe and eat so yesterday all I had was two weetabix and 6 crackers!

Might lose weight this week then lol

Sorry I didn't get back to ppl who posted yesterday, I spent most of the day wrapped up in blankets on the sofa, catching up with Grey's Anatomy and sleeping.

Today I feel worse than I did yesterday, compounded by the fact that I had very little sleep in the night. If it wasn't the fact that my nose was bunged up it was because I was coughing heart up as well. No rest at all.

Today a friend has taken my son to school for me so I don't have to go out. I have rung in sick and I am going to take up my place on the sofa. I might venture to the bathroom and shower, then again i might not depends on how I feel - a quick wash may be better

Wet, dull and nasty here anyway, not helping my mood much!

Have a good day Blogland!

Shopping trip went well yesterday with friends despite cold getting worse and having a tap on the end of my nose!

Lost count the number of times I blew it or coughed!!!

Today I feel like death warmed up. I cannot breath through my nose, and blowing it doesn't make any difference. I have done the steam inhalation etc, had vicks shoved up it but to no avail

I am coughing like a trooper, in fact by the sounds of it you would think I smoked - which I don't - and I ache all over.

I have only just emerged from the bed because I wanted some water, room spinning so think I will head back.

Work will be really cheesed off if I phone in sick tomorrow, but do I care?

Dark, cold and windy outside. Really did not want to get out of bed this morning and the first words out of hubbys mouth were not "Good morning darling would you like a cup of tea" but

" cricket team what the is wrong with them!"

Great

So I drag myself out of bed, make a cuppa, take some beechams powders for my throat which feels like someone has scrapped raw with a sharp knife, coughed my heart up, then laid drapped over my fitball in the hope my back would re align itself.

He finally makes an appearance and tells me he had a bad night (I know he kept me awake), he couldn't breath (I know) he is stuffed up (I know) and feels like crap - drinks his tea and goes off to work

Youngest puts in an appearance. "Do you have a cold mum" he says.

Thanks for noticing son was beginning to think I was invisible there for a minute!

.................................................................

So today I have a contact lens check up, need to transfer some money over from one account to another, work out how much money I have until pay day, look for a top to go with a skirt for the works do, drag myself into work and take two lessons, come home, find cheque book, write out cheque for youngest swimming lessons (£49.00 if I pay today otherwise it will be £58.00 for next term!) take him swimming, come home and hope t'other half remembers to pick some chips up because I am not going to cook.

Tomorrow I have the task of driving all the way to Makro in South Acton to take two friends out for our yearly trip to stock up. To be fair for one of the friends it is her only chance to get out for Christmas, and try not to spend too much money - mmmm not sure I can do that one. Weather forecast for tomorrow is gale force winds - lovely.

Also parts of the M1 will be closed off as well so what should only be a 45 minute journey will now be a lot longer as I will have to go the long way round.

Oh well, going to make myself another cuppa and chill before the madness starts!

Nigel has man flu.

He came home yesterday, made himself a Beechams, blew his nose loudly on some tissues, sneezed, blew again, coughed, made all sorts of loud noises, sat in chair and groaned.

"Got a cold?" says I

"I just feel awful" he replies.

After the umpteenth time of him blowing his nose I am losing the will to live. He is impossible to be around when he is like this.

9pm arrives, peace at last, he goes to bed.

Unfortunately he is still awake when I go up.

Cough cough, he goes weakly.

"Do we have any asprin?" he asks weakly

"Yes in the cupboard" I reply.

he lays there for a while then when he realises I am not going to wait on him he goes trotting downstairs in search of the box of tablets.

I hear him tutting and cursing in the kitchen, banging cupboard doors. Good job the kids sleep like the dead.

He eventually makes a reappearance, telling me he has taken the said tablet and then proceeds to spend the night, tossing, turning, coughing AAAARRRGGGHHH.

This morning is no better though he has (thankfully) gone to work. It isn't that bad then.

I am not uncaring, really I am not.

It is only a cold which he has passed on to me

I really cannot believe it is morning already.

I feel like I have only just gone to bed!

It is dark outside which doesn't encourage you to get up and do those all important exercises, which is probably why I am suffering with my back. TBH don't much feel like doing any form of exercise of an evening either when I come home!

Probably why the weight is piling on

Must get my head back into eating wisely mode instead of shoving anything into my mouth problem is with so many ppl bringing in tempting things to school due to birthdays etc it is difficult - I keep saying no but somehow something ends up in my mouth!

Oh well, better get a move on and get ready for work.

have a good day everyone!

Have you ever sat down and thought what is the point in all this?

Don't worry I haven't hit depression mode just yet.

It is just that for a while now I have been thinking about giving up one of the Governing bodies I belong to.

Why?

Because I feel like all I am doing is pushing the dreaded paperwork around, or going around in circles and not seeing any improvement. Because I don't feel like I can suppost a school where the head does not consider the welfare of the children in her care.
Because my child after christmas will be on his 10th teacher since he started school (he is now in year 4).
Because I can't see anything changing only getting worse.

Unfortunately when I spoke of my concerns to a friend, she told me that without me on the Governing body, it will fall apart as I was one of only a few that will challenge what happens and question it.

Praise indeed but unfounded.

yet I know full well I probably will stay and see it through to the bitter end, well at least until my child moves onto high school.

The other Governors are so blinkered. They do not have children there, they do not know what is really going on only what they are being told by the head - surprise, surprise.

And so I book myself on yet another course to help me fulfil my role.

Will I be appreciated? No I don't think so but yet I still go on in the hope that one day someone will listen and help me sort it out. You never know

Tuesday Morning dawns bright and early.

Ok not quite true.

When I was rudely awoken at 4 am this morning, the room was in total darkness. Hubby was swearing at a dog who had woken him to go outside, then spend an inordinate amount of time surveying the garden.

Took ages to get back to sleep again only to have an alarm going off at 5.30 heralding a new day. Half an hour later, I drag my weary body out of bed and begin the routine that gets me going - tea and lots of it!

So far the sun is trying to shine but it is very cold outside. Had the day off yesterday as I had some sort of stomach virus, but will go in today - don't start till 10 though so can ease in gently. Tuesdays are quite a nice day, don't have to think too much and lessons are generally relaxing. I get a lot of admin done on Tuesdays which is nice, eases me in to the onslaught that Wednesday brings - but that is another story.

I did get all the ironing cleared though, so at least everyone will stop moaning about the lack of clothes in their wardrobes. Did tell them the faires don't do the ironing and have shown them how to use an iron but alas, it always is me. Have told eldest that in future I will sort his clothes out into a pile and he can iron his own - knowing him though most of his clothes will be work unironed - lets face it, I iron he screws them up before wearing anyway!!!

Right, sandwiches have to be made and I should do some housework before I leave even if it is only to show the telly what a duster looks like.

After wallowing in misery in bed this morning, listening to mums excitement over the phone because she has finally spent some money on herself and bought a computer, I finally dragged myself out of bed, kicked out Nigel and went food shopping.

We had nothing in the house.

Asda was packed as usual, and I just knew that I would not feel like cooking a dinner when I got home, so we opted for some roasted Chicken from the Rotisserie, a couple of packes of mashed potato to heat up in the microwave which we had with some tin spaghetti.

it was delicious and made a huge change.

Full of mixed emotion and don't really know why, which is why things round here have been a bit quiet of late.

Personally I am blaming the change in the weather, the fact that I get up in the morning while it is still dark and come home from work at dusk.

Work has been hectic, seem to chase my tail and not get anywhere fast. Then there is the worry about spending money on presents while trying to pay the bills.

One bright spot in all this is I finally managed to get Nig to phone the building society where we have our mortgage and get it transferred to fixed rate. It will cost us £249 to do but at least for the next 5 years I will not have to worry about the payments going up for now

Went shopping with mum on Friday. She was just so relieved to get out of the house. We walked the length and breadth of Watford town centre several times, till we could do it no more. She now has most of the items she wanted and treated me to a skirt for the works 'do' on 1st Dec. Now all I need to find is a top to go with it and I am sorted.

I overspent. I have most of the kids pressies, still have to get Nigs, but I know roughly what he wants. I have bought him a Tenacious D album and have decided to get the new one they have released as well (note this has nothing to do with the fact I really wanted it!)! WE both want to see the Tenacious D film - Nigel is a Jack Black fan so might treat him to a night out at the cinema to see it.

So I am nearly sorted for Christmas. work is still work, one application form is in and I am waiting to hear, though having 2nd thoughts about whether I want the job or not now.

Still don't feel great though, feeling fed up with everything. I have done nothing at home, ironing is piling up and there is the small problem of completing this dragon in time for Christmas as well! AAARRRGGGGGHHHHHHH!!

The innocent victims of Internet child abuse cannot speak for themselves.

But you can.

With your help, we can eradicate this evil trade.

We do not need your money.

We need you to light a candle of support

http://www.lightamillioncandles.com

We're aiming to light at least One Million Candles by December 31,
2006.

This petition will be used to encourage governments, politicians,
financial institutions, payment organisations, Internet service
providers, technology companies and law enforcement agencies to
eradicate the commercial viability of online child abuse.

They have the power to work together. You have the power to get them
to take action.

Please light your candle at lightamillioncandles.com
http://www.lightamillioncandles.com

Together, we can destroy the commercial viability of Internet child
abuse sites that are destroying the lives of innocent children.

You don't need to leave your details at the end unless you want to, I
just left my first name and country and submit.

Can you believe these?

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the
poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her
that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better
bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.

Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Two Idiot of 2006

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to
steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in
getting it out of the pl ane and home. Shortly after they took it for
a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming
towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the
emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated.
They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Three Idiot of 2006

A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
branch and wrote, "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag."
While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he
began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call
the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank
of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After
waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo
teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he
wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not
accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America
deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo
deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated,
the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as
he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Four Idiot of 2006

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead
of payment, he sent the police department a photo graph of $ 40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that
contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately
mailed in his $40.

Smartass. But you still get a sign

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Number Five Idiot of 2006

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash
in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the
counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as
well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you
are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to
give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the
robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the
clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact
over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from
the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and
gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license.
They arrested the robber two hours later.

This guy definitely needs a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Six of 2006

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Idiot Number Seven of 2006

Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided
that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window,
grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it
over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking
him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of
plexi-glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, here's your
sign.

Yet again I don't seem to have done much yet I have been very busy at work. Lots going on there again, no two days ever seem to be straight forward anymore!

Came home to the Pigsty I call home, day off tomorrow which will be spent taking mum to watford for the day Christmas shopping.

So housework will not get done again and of course no one else will do it despite my best efforts!

God don't I moan at times lol!

Right kids need feeding better get on and do that or I will win the worst mother in the world category again - they are both p***ed off with me this morning as I insisted on brushing their teeth for them lol!

Yesterday, sat here and read blogs from quite a few who seemed to be down a little so sent you all hugs to cheer you up. Thanks to everyone who replied, I am so sorry I didn't get back to you but blogland is playing up a little for me. I got signed out again yesterday and couldn't log back on, then tried to post something, it took 20 minutes for it to go through only to get the annoying 'page cannot be displayed' sign and when I logged on this morning I find my post is now lost in cyberspace somewhere

So my humble apologies again.

So today, work then dashed home to go to the dentist. Annual check up (should be six monthly but forgot to make appointment).

Youngest went in first. Bless him I think the poor kid has my sisters problem with teeth as they are all coming through very crooked and his mouth doesn't seem big enough to cope with them all! Dentist thinks he needs to see the orthodontist so I have filled a form out for him.

Eldest child I honestly could kill. 15 years old and you have to nag him to get him to clean his teeth. he often tells me he has when I know full damm well he hasn't to the point where I tell him that I will brush them using the nail brush if he doesn't. Dentist now worried about his teeth, they are not good. He got the nurse to demonstrate to son how to clean his teeth properly and told him that if there is no improvement he will take the nail brush to them.

He has to go back in 2 weeks time to make sure that they have been cleaned properly - they will be I will be doing them!!!

Me - perfect teeth, lovely and clean, commented on my fused tooth (yet again) then poked one of my filled teeth which disintegrated (the filling that is). Told him that would happen on the other side as well, so I am having two fillings replaced.

hubby - the one with imperfect teeth - doesn't need anything done to his at all !!!!!!!!

So I am £62 poorer including the deposit one needs to pay to see the hygienest in a couple of weeks time though if she leaves me in as much pain as she did last time this will definately be the last time I will go!

Of course we then had half an hour of listening to dentist and hubby discussing football and comparing penalties - hubby being a spurs supporter, dentist Arsenal, both season ticket holders they had quite a bit to catch up on and compare.

Eventually dragged hubby away bearing in mind that he didn't want to go to the dentist in the first place lol!!

And now a quick catch up on posts and off to do my sewing.

Lets see if I can get this one to post in one go lol!!!

So Tuesday morning arrives.

Radio Five comes blaring on at 5.30 this morning, hubby groans, I am already awake trying to decide wherever to get up and exercise or lay in bed another half and hour before I ease tired, aching joints out of bed.

I lay there listening to Andrew Verity telling me that the cost of living is going to rise again (oh joy) and Mickey Clarke discussing the new Mortgage Halifax are launching (sorry HBos) at 125% of your earnings.

Sense recession coming perhaps? Worrying thought. Must get in contact with Building society and sort out our mortgage is the thought going through my mind, keep meaning to go back onto fixed rate and it is obvious to me that no matter how much I nag hubby into phoning them up - yes we have to phone them they will not deal with us in the branch as there is not enough staff apparently - he will not do it.

Finally drag myself out of bed at 6, still cannot get the local radio in the bathroom, so have to listen to the condesending tones of Nicky Cambell as he tries to be funny and fails miserably.

And then it starts.

Nig moaning about how far he will have to travel to work today. M1 is congested again. Dogs kept him awake last night (they didn't he was dreaming), a whole stream of moans emitting from him because he is tired. His fault he didn't come to bed until two this morning, he was watching some programme on telly, something about Sex, which he goes into graphic detail about this morning like I am interested - not!

Then youngest child gets up, whingeing about how he doesn't feel very well, clutching stomach. Tuesday is not a good day to be ill, I have my counselling session to do today and my partner wasn't in last week so cannot take over for me AAARRRGGGGHHHHHH.

Lots of discussion ensues, phone calls made to getting ppl out of bed, till eventually Nig rearranges his day and decides to take youngest with him - pheww panic over.

Eldest has emerged and is quiet - obviously trying to think about how he can get out of school today - tough he is going in, he had yesterday off and is looking better today.

So waiting for the next crisis to hit - perhaps it will be in the maths lesson which I will be taking (should be a laugh don't they realise yet I am crap at maths) or the literacy lesson I am doing later

We shall see

Cook dinner - check
Eat dinner - check
Help child with homework - check
Sort out numerous problems with paperwork - check
Open post - check

And yes yet again more bills come this way and a form asking me to sign off my insurance policy so they can then pay out. Wasn't expecting this one, came as a surprise, and though it isn't a lot of money it will be enough to pay for a holiday to Florida next year if we decide to go - then again I could pay off my barclaycard - decisions decisions.

May discuss the best course of action later with Nig, the money was unexpected, I cancelled the policy (life insurance) because I found a cheaper deal elsewhere and really wasn't expecting them to pay out, so it is a bonus.

Have to go out again soon. Governor meeting looming and it looks like it will be a long one, there are a few issues a lot of us are not happy with and I certainly want to put in my tuppence worth!

Just been phoned up and asked if I will go in early tomorrow and cover a class for two lessons. Working late as well as it is my counselling group, poor kids having me to talk to about their problems!

Oh well hubby home now better go and get him some food to eat

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he
served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came
swishing down the aisle and announced
to the passengers:

"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce
that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people,
so if you could just put up your trays that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed
rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines." he said,
"I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can
pitty-pa us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said,"In my country, I am
called a Princess. I take orders from no one.

"To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat
"Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Tray-up bitch."

..................................................................

This actually reminded me of our flight home from Florida a couple of years ago. the flight attendant explained everyone had to sit down and put on their seatbelts as we had hit turbulence and so it wasn't a good idea to get up, where upon a man did get up and start walking down the plane.

"Excuse me sir" said the flight attendant " DId you think my instructions didn't apply to you?"

"Oh were you talking to me as well" Said the man

"That is the whole reason why I used the tannoy now sit down!"

Whereupon the whole plane who had heard this via the tannoy, erupted in laughter.

SEX

ACUTE AGINA

An elderly couple go to bed together for the first time.
The old woman says, “Before we start, I have to warn you that I have acute angina.”
The old man looks her up and down and says, “Yes, and our tits aren’t bad either.”

AIDS

A man and a woman are having sex.
The woman says, “You haven’t got AIDS, have you?”
He says no.
She says, “Thank God. I don’t want to catch that again.”

ANGELS

A girl is standing at the gates of heaven when she hears screams of pain coming from inside.
She says to St Peter, “What’s going on?”
He says, “That’s the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos.”
She says, “Heaven sounds terrible. I think I’d rather go to hell.”
St Peter says, “In hell, you’ll be constantly raped and sodomised.”
She says, “That’s OK, I’ve already got holes for that.”

AUSTRALIAN KISS

Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same as a French kiss, but Down Under.

CHINESE WOMAN

A guy goes to a disco, picks up a Chinese woman and takes her home.
She says, “I’ll do anything you want.”
He says, “How about a 69?”
She says, “I’m not cooking at this time of night.”

CINDERELLA

Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: Gag.

CLOSED EYES

Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: Because they can’t stand to see a man having a good time.

DARK FOREST

A couple start having sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes, the man gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a torch.”
The woman says, “Me too – you’ve been eating grass for the last 10 minutes.”

DEAD WIFE

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: the sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.

BEREFT DRUNK

A drunk is staggering down the street with his car keys in his hand and his cock hanging out when he sees a policeman.
He points at his keys and says, “Officer, somebody’s stolen my car.”
The policeman says, “Where did you last see it?”
The drunk says, “On the end of this key?”
The policeman notices that the drunk’s cock is hanging out and says, “Sir, are you aware that you’re exposing yourself?”
The drunk looks down and cries, “Oh no, they got my girlfriend too!”

CANCER AND ALZHEIMER’S

Doctor: “I have very bad news. You’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.”
Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”

EROTIC AND KINKY

Q: What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather; kinky is using the whole chicken.

FANCY DRESS

A bloke goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
The host says, “What are you supposed to be?”
The bloke says, “Premature ejaculation: I’ve just come in my pants.”

G-SPOT AND GOLF BALL

Q: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A: A man will actually search for a golf ball.

STARTS WITH A P

Q: What always starts with a p?
A: A shit.

TEST TUBE BABY

Q: What’s the worst thing about being a test tube baby?
A: You know for sure that your dad’s a wanker.

THREE OLD LADIES

Three old ladies are walking down the street when a man in a dirty raincoat appears and flashes them.
Two have a stroke; one can’t reach.

WELSHMAN’S ANIMALS

Q: What do you call a Welshman who owns goats as well as sheep?
A: Bisexual

VAMPIRE

A vampire goes into a pub and asks for some boiling water.
The landlord says, “I thought you only drank blood?”
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, “I’m making tea.”

SKUNKS

Q: What do you call two skunks in the 69 position?
A: Odour Eaters.

SERIOUSLY ILL

A woman is seriously ill, so her husband takes her to the doctor.
The doctor says, “It’s either Alzheimer’s or AIDS.”
The husband says, “How do we find out which?”
The doctor says, “Go for a long drive in the countryside, have a picnic, then leave her in the field. If she gets home, don’t fuck her.”

ROOSTER AND FLEA

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
A: An itchy cock.

BIGGEST DRAWBACK

Q: What’s the biggest drawback in the jungle?
A: An elephant’s foreskin.

LAURA ON TOP

Q: Why does Laura Bush have to go on top?
A: Because George W Bush always fucks up.

WIVES AND JOBS

Q: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years your job still sucks.

TWO LESBIANS

Two lesbians are walking down the street with their hands down each other’s knickers.
A man walks by and says, “Why are you doing that?”
The first lesbian says, “We’re lip-reading.”

PERIOD PAINS

Q: Why do women cal period pains PMS?
A: Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

OLD WOMAN ON THE BUS

Two old women are having coffee when one asks the other, “Did you come on the bus?”
The other one says, “Yes, but I managed to make it look like an asthma attack.”

Yes it is here again.

Is it just me or do the weeks seem to be flying past far too quickly?

Reflection yesterday as I was sewing, Christmas seems to have come round very quickly this year, can remember all the preparation I put into Christmas last year.

Oh well better get a move on. Life bus is coming into work today so have to be there for that unfortunately. Before I go here is a little joke, sent to me this morning that I thought I would share to get your day started with a smile (or groan).

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for
the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being
a
little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.

"Breast-fed" she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed
both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her
to get
dressed,
he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any
milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

Have a good day.

So today I sat and remembered my Grandfather and the fact he is no longer with us. What he went through in the second World war and his love for life.

My thoughts turned to my other grandfather, who died when My own father was 4, just after Dunkirk.

My Great Grandfather who fought in the first World War, his life in the trenches, one of the 'lucky ones' who came home injured and therefore avoided being killed by going over the edge.

Rememberance Sunday, always a time for reflection and rememberance, even if I no longer go to church or watch it on telly, I always buy a poppy and put it near my Crucifix at home and say a little prayer to whoever or whatever may hear it. My children do the same, it is almost traditional in house.

.................................................................

Thanks for the kind comments on my last post 'friends without faces' you all mean a lot to me even if I don't get time to reply or post.

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Then torture, of we go to Toys R us where I experience my own form of Torture. I hate that place. Why oh why do parents think it is a good idea to let their little horrors try out the bikes and let them ride round the shop, unsupervised, and getting in everyone's way? Why do they insist on opening all the boxes to see if it contains everything, spilling the contents everywhere and then walking of? why do the staff seem to be blind when you approach them with a query and walk off? Why can you never find someone when you want them?

If I hate it so much why do I go?

Simple, we needed some ideas about prices for some of the items Richard has on his list, they are my guidelines then I can shop around when I go Christmas shopping next week. Youngest child and the poor thing does not have as much in his pile as his eldest brother does They both have a set amount we spend on them and Richard hasn't reached his budget yet so ideas are needed. We didn't stay for long - hubby feared I was about to have an argument with one woman about her child.

"You can wait another 3 days before you open your presents."

"No" screams the child stamping his foot and about to throw a tantrum there and then.

"yes you can darling, another 3 days will not hurt" mother says in one of them wheedling and whining voices.

"nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo" screams the child at the top of his lungs, forcing tears through his eyes, so fake!

"If it upsets you that much darling you can open one present tonight and I will get you another one to replace it" Says mum who is taking a toy out of its packaging (bearing in mind she hasn't got to the till yet) to give to child.

tears suddenly stop - surprise surprise

Nigel said the look on my face said it all.

We left soon after!

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Just had a nice cup of tea, eaten some chocolate (sod the diet not in the mood), watched Lord of the Rings and now have the Muppets Treasure Island on. Simon is at a friends house, I have just redone my Chrismas listso Nigel has some idea what to get me! Now I am going to sign off, relax and do some sewing!

Have a good Sunday evening everyone and a safe journey home to those of you who went to Leeds.

We sit and we type, and we stare at our screens
We all have to wonder, what this possibly means.

With our mouse we roam, through the rooms in a maze
Looking for something or someone, as we sit in a daze.

We chat with each other, we type all our woes
Small groups we do form, and gang up on our foes.

We wait for somebody, to type out our name
We want recognition, but it is always the same.

We give kisses and hugs, and sometimes flirt
In emails we chat deeply, and reveal why we hurt.

We do form friendships - but - why we don't know
But some of these friendships, will flourish and grow.

Why is it on screen, we can be so bold
Telling our secrets, that have never been told.

Why is it we share, the thoughts in our mind
With those we can't see, as though we were blind.

The answer is simple, it is as clear as a bell.
We all have our problems, and need someone to tell.

We can't tell real people, but tell someone we must
So we turn to the 'puter, and to those we can trust.

Even though it is crazy, the truth still remains
They are Friends Without Faces, and odd little names.

Take the time to have fun and be sure to let those "friends
without faces" know how much you appreciate them.

1.I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my PAPER newspaper like I used to, before the Web.

2.I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.

3.I will get dressed before noon.

4.I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.

5.I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.

6.I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.

7.I will read a book... if I still remember how.

8.I will listen to those around me about their needs and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.

9.I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for email.

10.I will try and get out of the house at least once a week, if it is necessary or not.

11.I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my checkbook because I was too busy on the Web.

12.Last, but not least, I will remember that I must go to bed sometime... and the Web will always be there tomorrow

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat.
"Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my pants and handed them to your mother and said, "Here, try these on."
So, she did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them."
I replied, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will. Ever since that night we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

So, on his honeymoon Jack takes off his pants and says to Jill, "Here try these on."
She does and says, "These are too large, they don't fit me."
Jack says, "Exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will and I don''t want you to ever forget that."
Then Jill took off her pants and hands them to Jack and says, "Here You try on mine."
So he does and says, "I can''t get into your pants."
Jill says, "Exactly, and if you don''t change your attitude, you never will."

WHY AM I MARRIED?

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't
you wearingyour wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
"Husband Wanted"
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is
finished.

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts
of Africa a
man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real
happiness was
until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention
to every
word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go
through life
thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to
love and to
forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray
for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they
find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids
are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a
while, the
husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the
blind man as
he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't
you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is
driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at
the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up."

A little boy was sitting on the curb with a gallon of turpentine and shaking it up and watching all the bubbles. A little while later a Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had. The little boy replied, "This is the most powerful liquid in the world, it's called turpentine."
The Priest said, "No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you take some of this Holy Water and rub it on a pregnant women's belly, she'll pass a healthy baby."
The little boy replied, "You take some of this here turpentine and rub it on a cat's ass and he'll pass a Harley Davidson."

On the first day, God created the dog and said: "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said: "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said: "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?"
And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said: "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But man said: "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."

So that is why the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

Young lad gets a job in a chemist shop. A lady comes in and asks for a box of tampons. The lad being really shy runs into the back of the shop and asks one of the female assistants to serve the lady. The female assistant returns to the lad and tells him "this is the sort of thing you will have to get used to if you want to continue working here." The next month the same lady comes into the shop and asks "can I have a box of tampons please". The young lad overcomes his shyness and serves the lady. This goes on and after a few months the lad becomes more confident. One month the lady comes in, this time she asks for a packet of cotton wool. The young lad rather surprised at this request quick replies "have you started rolling your own?"

Mildred was a 93-year-old woman, particularly despondent over the death of her husband, Earl. She decided she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, "Your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

This is actual advice given to RAF pilots during WWII:
"When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

A man was sitting next to a blonde on a bus and she was reading the newspaper. He glanced over and one of the headlines read “3 Brazilian Soldiers Killed”.
She was shaking her head at the news and said “Oh, that’s terrible!” then she turned to the man and asked " Exactly how many is a Brazilian?"

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy replied, "Malt whisky and women with big tits."

There was a man who lost one of his arms in an accident. He became very depressed because he had loved to play guitar and a lot of things that took two arms. One day he had had it. He decided to commit suicide.
He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. He was standing on the ledge looking down and saw this man skipping along, whistling, humming and kicking up his heels. He looked closer and saw this man didn't have any arms at all.
He started thinking, what am I doing up here feeling sorry for myself, I still have one good arm to do things with. There goes a man with no arms skipping down the sidewalk happy and going on with his life. He hurried down and caught the man with no arms. He told him how glad he was to see him because he had lost one of his arms and felt ugly and useless and was going to kill himself. He thanked him again for saving his life and he knew he could make it with one arm if that guy could go on with no arms.
The man with no arms began dancing and whistling and kicking up his heels again. He asked, "Why are you so happy anyway? "
He said, "I'm NOT happy - MY ARSE ITCHES!!!"
A man standing in line at a check-out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when an attractive woman behind him said, "Hello!"
Her face was beaming. He gave her that "who-are-you?" look and couldn't remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
"Look," she said, "I'm really sorry, but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children," and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, what the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can't keep track of who fathers her children! Then he got a little panicky. I don't remember her, he thought, but, MAYBE... during one of the wild parties I went to when I was in college... perhaps I DID father her child! He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, "Are you the girl I met at a party in college, and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?"
"No!" the woman said, with a horrified look on her face. "I'm your son's second-grade teacher."

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!"
And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says,
"I'll Serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

"Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.
Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing
to look at either.

11. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

12 . I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

13 . A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He
shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied,
"I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

14 . I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a
mussel.

15 . What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14 . Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, "Is the bar tender here?"

BUT WAIT -- THERE'S MORE!!

Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest

1. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."

2. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says "Dam!".

3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it too.

4. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my
electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm
positive."

5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain
during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about
an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked
them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.

"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family
in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened
up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy
flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the
competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but
they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They
ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest
and most vicious Thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat
up the friars and trashed Their store,
saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop.
Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent
florist friars.

9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time,
which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate
very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he
suffered from bad breath. This made him ..
(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).....
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

10. And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to
his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make
them laugh. No pun in ten did

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a squeaking fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream. Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorists cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothings gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bon bon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the 'thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge' group.

Just remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car.

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives say over.

Love is like a roller coaster. If you like it, you don't want to get off, and when you don't... you can't wait to throw up.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didn't zigzag?

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.

Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?

Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?

Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"

When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled,

"Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!" To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.
On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail." Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire, gin, and any number of games."

The third convict was sitting quietly aside, grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. He said, "I brought these."

The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating...."

So this isn't Home Sweet Home ... Adjust!

Martha Stewart doesn't live here!!

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.

If you write in the dust, please don't date it!

I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener!

My house was clean last week, too bad you missed it!

I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.

If you don't like my standards of cooking ...lower your standards.

Although you'll find our house a mess, Come in, sit down, converse. It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.

I'd live life in the fast lane, but I am married to a speed bump.

These are the unwritten rules from the highly over worked, but highly under paid technical support staff at an Internet service provider near you...

1. DO NOT talk over me. Listen damn it, you can't do what I tell you to do constantly jabbering bullshit over me. I talk... you do. Why did you even ask me a question if you are going to fucking answer it?

2. DO NOT call me and then put me on hold. You called me, genius. You want my help, stay on the fucking line and listen. We have much better things to do than talk to you anyway.

3. DO NOT read long error messages to me unless I ask you to. Do you honestly think we get anything out of a 50 digit hex number???

4. DO NOT start off a call by saying anything in the neighborhood of "hi, how's it going" or "busy today?" That just serves to piss us off. Get to the problem so we can get you off the phone. The day was great until I had to start answering your totally moronic questions.

5. DO NOT get pissed when we tell you that your system is royally fucked. We didn't fuck it up. It wasn't us. We're simply telling it like it is.

6. DO NOT call about unrelated products. We DO NOT know the intimate details of every piece o' shit shareware program you dredge out of the internet. Nor do we want to. Stop it!

7. We DO NOT manufacture modems, write e-mail programs or engineer browsers. If something in this arena goes wrong, call the people who made the goddamned thing. YOU DON'T USE THE INTERNET TO FAX!!! Can't stress that one enough.

8. DO NOT compare us to AOL when something goes wrong with your connection to us. If you had the computer literacy of an 8 year old with a broken Atari 2600 you'd know better. Everyone else connects just fine. It's just you. Keep that in mind. It's just you.

9. DO NOT call simply for the purpose of giving us your thoughts on the content of our homepage or to request that we send you flyers so you can pass them out at bridge tournaments and bingo night. Not only is this a waste of our time, but it encourages just the type of user tech support reps fear most... the elderly.

10. DO NOT make us sit there on the phone while you tip toe through setup instructions so easy they were originally tested on lab chimps. We have better things to do than act as zoo keepers.

11. DO NOT call us and complain about a problem with your system and then say you're not in front of your computer when we try and help you. We aren't technological psychics.

12. DO NOT call us assuming the problem you're experiencing is our fault. If your computer crashes, performs illegal operations, gives you the blue screen of death, or flips you off and runs away with the fucking toaster to
Mexico, you can be damn certain it isn't us who caused it.

13. DO NOT call us and announce to us that you don't know anything about computers. This really pisses us off. Trust me, we're well aware of that fact. We figured it out the minute you called and announced "help, the internet
is broken!" Something here definitely needs help. People who know computers don't call us.

14. DO NOT call us and act as if you know all that are computers and that you're doing us a favor by gracing us with your call. This pisses us off more than 13. Chiming in with stupid suggestions and comments only increases the already tremendous temptation we face to use you as an unwitting instrument of destruction and really do some damage to your system. Not that you'd notice.

15. DO NOT (in addition to 14) say acronyms you don't know the meaning of or even what they are for. Just admin your completely lost and leave the techno bullshit to us.

16. DO NOT call in if you can't speak English. This might seem like a small thing to you, but we find it just a tad annoying when we try and assess your problem and we can only understand every fifth word you say. And no, just because those words may be 'computer' or 'broken' doesn't absolve you of the offense.

17. DO NOT call in hoping to get another tech rep to tell you something different than the first one did. If one of us tells you your system is fucked, it's fucked. The second guy is going to simply look at the log and tell you the same thing, it's fucked. That is of course unless you really piss him off and then he's going to make sure your computer has the functionality of a house plant.

18. DO NOT be stoned or drunk when you call us. You wouldn't think this would need to actually be said, but believe me it's come up. For god sakes, if you can't control yourself and must call, at least have the common courtesy to offer us some of what you're on.

On the rare occasion that I have dealt with NTL, I wonder if this is on their computer screens at times!!

These days we are all some what caught in an "Internet lifestyle", so here are some things you can do in the horrific event your ISP goes down...

1. Dial 911 immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean there's something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

8. See if your eyes can still focus to distances further than 3 feet.

9. Get ass groove in chair fixed at store.

10. Tylenol... Tylenol! Where the hell is the Tylenol!

11. Do shopping with clothes on.

12. Check your mail box every 15 minutes.

These days we are all some what caught in an "Internet lifestyle", so here are some things you can do in the horrific event your ISP goes down...

1. Dial 911 immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean there's something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

8. See if your eyes can still focus to distances further than 3 feet.

9. Get ass groove in chair fixed at store.

10. Tylenol... Tylenol! Where the hell is the Tylenol!

11. Do shopping with clothes on.

12. Check your mail box every 15 minutes.

The top 50 things to do or say when you wake up to your roommate having sex...

50. (the obvious) "Ooooooo."

49. "That works better the other way around."

48. Sniff, sniff. "Is something burning?"

47. "Damn, that's complicated"

46. "Wait, wait, here take my pillow."

45. "All right, already. _I_ came!"

44. "You guys need a value pak."

43. Smoke a pipe, every once in a while wave it around and say, "Good show, old bean!"

42. "Is that sperm or a mudpack?"

41. "You've got something stuck in your teeth."

40. "4 out of 5 dentists say that's bad for your enamel."

39. Go to the fridge, break open a cold one and pick up the remote. Point and click. Complain when they don't change position.

38. "You know, they say that three's a charm."

37. Suggest your favorite position.

36. Shine a flashlight at them. "This is a citizen's arrest, assume the positition."

35. "Bring in the Gimp!"

34. "Hold that pose!"

33. Sit up and bounce vigorously on your bed, clapping and squealing with joy.

32. Start singing Meatloaf's "Paradise by the Dashboard Light."

31. Sing "Shake your bootie."

30. "A little to the left."

29. "Is that a penis in your girlfriend, or are you just happy to see me?"

28. "Is there room for two in there?"

27. "Two words: penis extension."

26. Invite others in as a cheering section.

25. Charge admission at the door.

24. Make and hold up score cards.

23. All of them should read 6.9.

22. Whip out pen and paper and take notes.

21. "Maybe it would help if you..."

20. "That reminds me of a joke I heard."

19. "That's what you call erect?"

18. "Let the chicken go, he had nothing to do with it!"

17. Hold up two bags and say, "Paper or plastic?"

16. Roll over, grunt and say, "I'd rather be fishing."

15. "Use the Heimlich; she's got something caught in her throat!"

14. "May I cut in?"

13. "That's illegal in Arkansas."

12. "Holy whips and chains, Batman!"

11. Scream at the top of your lungs. When they ask what's wrong say you thought you were having a nightmare.

10. "Look, if you insist on me being part of this, let me at least get her for a few minutes!"

9. Take pictures. Explain that it was a Kodak moment.

8. Recite Condom Month slogans. i.e. 'Pack you wiener before you bean her.' and 'Wrap you wacker before you pack her.'

7. "Let's make a sandwich!"

6. "Is that hard enough for you?"

5. "I'm going to the water fountain, can I get you anything?"

4. "I think you dropped something."

3. "So, you like to eat at the Y?"

2. Grab your camcorder and ask, "How much do you think they'd pay to see this on Pay-per-view?"

1. "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"

These days we are all some what caught in an "Internet lifestyle", so here are some things you can do in the horrific event your ISP goes down...

1. Dial 911 immediately.

2. Open the curtains to see if anything has changed over the past 2 years.

3. You mean there's something else to do?

4. Threaten your ISP with an impeachment vote.

5. Work.

6. Re-introduce yourself to your immediate family.

7. Get that kidney transplant you've been putting off.

8. See if your eyes can still focus to distances further than 3 feet.

9. Get ass groove in chair fixed at store.

10. Tylenol... Tylenol! Where the hell is the Tylenol!

11. Do shopping with clothes on.

12. Check your mail box every 15 minutes.

As we "celebrate" the first 25 years of Microsoft, we take a look ahead at what the future holds for the next 25 years at Microsoft...

2001 .NET system goes online, human decisions are removed from the office environment.

2001 2:14am, August 29th, .NET become self-aware, corporations try to pull the plug but it's too late, .NET strikes back.

2002 Internet Explorer 6.0 for Windows released.

2004 Supreme Court rules to break up Microsoft.

2005 President Gates disbands Supreme Court, orders break up of Sun Microsystems, IBM and Oracle.

2006 Windows 2004 released.

2007 Microsoft purchases Napster-Disney-Cisco-Coke-Ford-Avis to compete with Oracle-AOL-3Com-Pepsi-GM-Hertz and GE.

2008 Windows NT 4.0 Service Pack 84 released.

2009 Gates' second term as President begins.

2010 Microsoft Office surpasses the 18 Terabyte mark.

2012 Windows 2010 Service Pack 1 released.

2013 Windows 2010 released.

2015 Microsoft releases Internet Explorer 6.0 for Apple Macintosh.

2016 Microsoft enhances their only innovation by introducing the "Red Screen of Death."

2020 Bill Gates purchases Linus Torvalds.

2021 Researchers develop first crash-proof operating system, then destroy it. They are just that evil.

2024 Microsoft genetic engineers realize Bill Gates' childhood dream and develop the first talking rabbit.

2025 A reunited Backstreet Boys perform at the 50th anniversary of the founding of Microsoft

These are actual police officer quotes collected from numerous people stopped for moving traffic violations.

"If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

"The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."

"So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"

"The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?"

"No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."

"Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

"Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid."

"In God we trust, all others are suspects

Checked out finances for the next couple of weeks - depressing

Popped round to a friend to pay her the money I owe for Christmas cards, stayed longer than I should have catching up and chatting (we see each other everyday at work, but we are women, I make no excuses).

Popped into town and paid some money in Nig gave me (we had a cheque that was paid in earlier bounce on us, so he demanded the client give him the money in cash instead to make up for it)

Wondered around town aimlessly trying to decide what I need to buy, what I was tempted to buy and not buying anything except for a sandwich from M&S.

What I haven't done is tidy this pigsty affectionatly called home, done any washing or ironing.

Will have to pick up youngest from school soon as well!!

Oh well there is always tomorrow.......

Following on from the previous post and lots of help and advice which I thank you all ofr wholdheartedly, this is what I have come up with. It isn't great I know, it is late and I am even more brain dead!!! Any suggestions welcome!

A clear understanding of and commitment to equal opportunities in practice.

I believe firmly that all children should be able to access the curriculum regardless of their race, culture, ethnicity, sex and ability. Work should be differentiated to reflect their needs and to boost their self-esteem. All children have the right to feel valued and respected and should be treated as individuals. Recently we have had a few pupils join the school that speak very little English, one who I support in Maths. However he cannot understand or follow what the teacher is explaining, so to help him I tend to try and do examples on a mini whiteboard or we use resources such as Multilink. Recently we have been looking at properties of shapes so I found some and went through what they were called and showed him what was meant by vertices, corners, angles and face.
We have also made signs in the language of the EAL students and put them up round the building e.g. toilets, staffroom, playground etc. We regularly have assemblies celebrating children’s achievements and I give out stickers and housepoints to any child who has done well in class or has read well. At times I differentiate planning to suit any child that I work with that may have an IEP for learning and work with them one to one or with a group of children who are on a similar level of learning. All children are encouraged to take part in extra-curricular activities.

Some understanding of approaches which help children and adults to learn.

Children learn in different ways. Some are visual learners who like to visualise things. They learn through images, like to play with construction toys or doing jigsaw puzzles and enjoys art and drawing. Board and memory games help them to learn and they are usually good at mind mapping techniques. The Kinaesthetic learner processes knowledge through a more physical environment. Uses gestures and body language to communicate and benefits and likes to touch or examine things. They benefit from learning by hands-on activities and experiments, art projects, nature walks or acting out stories, so they 'feel' the activities. Auditory learners think in words as opposed to pictures and verbalizes concepts. They find that they can spell easily hearing the sounds and tend to learn words phonetically. They like using word games and can often learn by developing their own word problems. The logical learner thinks conceptually and likes to explore patterns and relationships. They enjoy puzzles and examining how things work, likes routines and consistency, and enjoys using computers, using strategies and conducting experiments. They learn best by using computer learning games, word puzzles and by conducting science experiments.
I have been involved with using Brain gym with a child that had learning difficulties and we used to do some Brain gym exercises at the start of the day to help him to focus and learn. I have used Springboard maths with a group of children to help with their numeracy skills and done FLS with a group of children who needed extra literacy support. One child I worked with was very much a visual learner so most of the resources I used, I made for him to help him to achieve each lesson objective. This included flashcards, picture cards for science, use of maths games in maths. I also set up a programme called Starspell on the computer each week with the SEN groups spellings on so that they can practice learning their spellings. The interactive whiteboard helps all kinds of learners. It is very visual, it is interactive and usually colourful as well. All children tend to be focused on it when it is used and enjoy taking part in the lesson. Children learn in different ways. Some are visual learners who like to visualise things. They learn through images, like to play with construction toys or doing jigsaw puzzles and enjoys art and drawing. Board and memory games help them to learn and they are usually good at mind mapping techniques.

I admit it, it is coming up to 8 pm and I am feeling brain dead!

Trying to fill out this application form and I need to demonstrate that I can do the following (this comes under the Essential requirements of the person Specification which has to be included in the application form).

. Demonstrate a clear understanding of and commitment to equal opportunities in practice.

. Show some understanding of approaches which help children and adults to learn

Anyone have any ideas how I can word this or what to write? I have done 3 drafts so far and neither of them make any sense!

All help appreciated

Woke up this morning with a start, jumped out of bed thinking I was late then as I got to the bathroom realised it was only 4am and it was Wednesday - a long day at work today

I hate starting days off like that, takes ages to get back to sleep then you feel as though you haven't slept at all when you finally do get out of bed!

Yesterday went well. Simon had a good day despite having to go to school which he wasn't looking forward to. He thanks you all for your good wishes. We went out for a meal to the local Toby inn for a carvery which was lovely then came home to his birthday cake. Logged on to check my account and make sure that a cheque that Nigel had paid in (from one of his clients) had cleared only to find that it has been returned unpaid! I hate it when this happens. Now have to spend time chasing up for a new cheque or to get this one re-presented - let alone the time it takes to chase the client to let them know. have told Nig to charge them but he is too nice, he won't.

Today I start work at 10. Must admit things have settled down at work and the teacher is a lot better than she used to be - we are getting on better than I thought we would considering what has gone on before. I am still wary, probably always will be and watch my step, but so far so good. In fact she has been very accomodating, finding out that I have to stay late on a Tuesday instead of going home to do a session after school so she has changed my timetable a little bit and has asked me to do some admin work for her during the hour that I am free, which I like doing - hence me not starting work until 10 instead of 9.

Oh well better see if the kids have emerged from their beds yet and get them sorted for school!

I disappeared and now I am back for a short while

It has been manic here. Poor Simon has been bogged down with coursework so has needed the computer, hence me unable to get online and post.

Busy Weekend, went to MK to do a lot of shopping for Christmas. got some of the things we needed in terms of presents, but still have a huge amount to get including Nigels ones.

Simon is 15 today, cannot believe how grown up he is at times. He hasn't opened all his presents yet, so far he has been over the moon with what he has so far - MP3 player, I have downloaded some of his favourite tracks on it for him, a PC game Baulders gate, the rest he will open when he gets home (which include a Nintendo DS lite, accessories and a game and a DVD.) We plan on going out for a meal later when we are all together then next week he is going to the cinema with a couple of friends to watch the new James Bond movie which his father and I are paying for, as well as having pizza afterwards!

Oh and I got my application forms through at last as well. The job I really want I haven't got one of the qualifications they class as 'essential' but I aill apply anyway, one can only try and if I show that I am willing to go on courses, plus my experience with special needs children I should stand some chance shouldn't I?

Oh well better get a move on and face work *groan*.

Have a good day everyone!

Hugs

Samantha xx

The new librarian decided that instead of checking out children's books by writing the names of borrowers on the book cards herself, she would have the youngsters sign their own names. She would then tell them they were signing a "Contract" for returning the books on time.

Her first customer was a second grader, who looked surprised to see a new librarian. He brought four books to the desk and shoved them across to the librarian, giving her his name as he did so.

The librarian pushed the books back and told him to sign them out. The boy laboriously printed his name on each book card and then handed them to her with a look of utter disgust.

Before the librarian could even start her speech he said, scornfully, "That other librarian we had could write."

A Dutch McDonald's has been forced to remove a pair of mouth-shaped urinals after a tourist complained.

The branch in the south east of the Netherlands said it was removing the bright red, mouth-shaped urinals after a disgusted US customer complained to McDonald's head office in America.

Manager of the fast-food outlet Giel Pijper said the urinals, named Kisses, were works of art which he was now going to have to sell off.

The mouth-shaped urinals, designed by Utrecht-based firm Bathroom Mania!, have already caused controversy.

Virgin Airways was forced to scrap plans in 2004 to install two of the Kisses at New York's John F Kennedy airport after complaints they looked like women's mouths.

But designer Meike van Schijndel has denied they were ever conceived as anything rude and said they were designed as a fun cartoon mouth and not as a woman's mouth.

A missing man thought to be the victim of kidnappers has turned up in a Buenos Aires brothel.

The man disappeared on his way to work and had not been seen for a week, police say.

His wife called the police afraid he had been kidnapped and the police had launched an investigation.

Officers eventually found the 35-year-old enjoying himself with two prostitutes at a bordello at the nearby city of Rosario.

Police say he had been at the brothel since his disappearance. His wife has filed for divorce.

An Austrian workman who slipped while working on a house nailed his own testicle to the roof with a nail gun.

August Voegl, 59, from Jennersdorf, shot the four-inch nail into his left testicle with the compressed air nail gun.

He was unable to extract it or pull himself away from the roof.

Emergency medics were called in to separate the man from the roof after which he was airlifted to a nearby hospital where he is reportedly recovering well after surgery.

A top female politician ín Holland wants Dutch prostitutes sent abroad with the troops to help them relax.

Annemarie Jorritsma, a politician for the centre-right People's Party for Freedom and Democracy (VVD) and the mayor of the town of Almere, went on national Dutch TV to demand the 'extra benefits' for soldiers.

She added: "The army must think about how their soldiers can let off some steam."

The ideas has been backed by the Dutch sex workers union which said it thought the idea had some merit.

But an unnamed military spokesman, quoted in the 'Volkskrant' newspaper, expressed reservations.

He said: "I don't think my wife would like the idea very much."

There are currently around 2,000 Dutch soldiers stationed outside of the Netherlands, the majority in either Afghanistan and Bosnia.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes university.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labour, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labour?
A: Not unless the word "divorce" means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's nappy very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in university.

"OESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "OESTROGEN ISSUES"

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate to your cheese omelette.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your mobile phone to dial up every car sticker that says: "How's my driving-call 0800-".
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. Everyone seems to have just landed here from "outer space".
8 You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9 You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday..

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colours.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6 Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your hair to make it grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.

AND, the Number One thing only women understand:

1. OTHER WOMEN

Good Morning

After a restless and cold night I finally gave in. The heating has gone on this morning! It is on very low though and only for half an hour to take the chill of the bathroom - there was ice on the window this morning!!

Hubby is now very pleased!

Not looking forward to work at all, but these things have to be done I suppose. Won't get any money for sitting around at home anyway!

so before I dash off to get myself ready and sort the kids out here is a joke to start your day.

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table.

The wife asks, "do you know her?"

"Yes", sighs the husband, "She's my ex-girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since".

"My goodness" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

See you all later!

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alt="Sexy Amorous Minx Administering Naughty Touches and Hot Affection"
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alt="Foxy Amorous Female Furnishing Arousing Joy and Ardent, Naughty Embraces"
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it knows me so well!

I was very tempted to put the heating on this morning, but there is a watery sun out there so have decided against, don't think it is really that cold yet, just put on a few more jumpers

Didn't really want to get out of bed, but decided that if I didn't then the likelihood of me showing up at work on time was decreasing the longer I stayed in bed, so braved the cold bathroom and stood under the warm shower.

All Saints day today, so the whole school will be in chruch for mass this morning therefore not much will be done in the way of lessons this morning either! Don't suppose the priest has thought of putting any heating on in Church yet so better take a warm coat with me!

Youngest son has learnt his spellings at last so hopefully should get 10/10 this week fingers crossed. He now has two songs to learn as well for choir practice so I am going to be sick of that before the week is out lol!

Oh well enough talking, must go and get ready for work.

See you all later