SEX
ACUTE AGINA
An elderly couple go to bed together for the first time.
The old woman says, “Before we start, I have to warn you that I have acute angina.”
The old man looks her up and down and says, “Yes, and our tits aren’t bad either.”
AIDS
A man and a woman are having sex.
The woman says, “You haven’t got AIDS, have you?”
He says no.
She says, “Thank God. I don’t want to catch that again.”
ANGELS
A girl is standing at the gates of heaven when she hears screams of pain coming from inside.
She says to St Peter, “What’s going on?”
He says, “That’s the sound of new angels getting big holes drilled into their backs for their wings, and small holes drilled into their heads for their halos.”
She says, “Heaven sounds terrible. I think I’d rather go to hell.”
St Peter says, “In hell, you’ll be constantly raped and sodomised.”
She says, “That’s OK, I’ve already got holes for that.”
AUSTRALIAN KISS
Q: What’s an Australian kiss?
A: The same as a French kiss, but Down Under.
CHINESE WOMAN
A guy goes to a disco, picks up a Chinese woman and takes her home.
She says, “I’ll do anything you want.”
He says, “How about a 69?”
She says, “I’m not cooking at this time of night.”
CINDERELLA
Q: What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
A: Gag.
CLOSED EYES
Q: Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A: Because they can’t stand to see a man having a good time.
DARK FOREST
A couple start having sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After about 15 minutes, the man gets up and says, “Damn, I wish I had a torch.”
The woman says, “Me too – you’ve been eating grass for the last 10 minutes.”
DEAD WIFE
Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: the sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
BEREFT DRUNK
A drunk is staggering down the street with his car keys in his hand and his cock hanging out when he sees a policeman.
He points at his keys and says, “Officer, somebody’s stolen my car.”
The policeman says, “Where did you last see it?”
The drunk says, “On the end of this key?”
The policeman notices that the drunk’s cock is hanging out and says, “Sir, are you aware that you’re exposing yourself?”
The drunk looks down and cries, “Oh no, they got my girlfriend too!”
CANCER AND ALZHEIMER’S
Doctor: “I have very bad news. You’ve got cancer and Alzheimer’s.”
Patient: “Well, at least I don’t have cancer.”
EROTIC AND KINKY
Q: What’s the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is using a feather; kinky is using the whole chicken.
FANCY DRESS
A bloke goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
The host says, “What are you supposed to be?”
The bloke says, “Premature ejaculation: I’ve just come in my pants.”
G-SPOT AND GOLF BALL
Q: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A: A man will actually search for a golf ball.
STARTS WITH A P
Q: What always starts with a p?
A: A shit.
TEST TUBE BABY
Q: What’s the worst thing about being a test tube baby?
A: You know for sure that your dad’s a wanker.
THREE OLD LADIES
Three old ladies are walking down the street when a man in a dirty raincoat appears and flashes them.
Two have a stroke; one can’t reach.
WELSHMAN’S ANIMALS
Q: What do you call a Welshman who owns goats as well as sheep?
A: Bisexual
VAMPIRE
A vampire goes into a pub and asks for some boiling water.
The landlord says, “I thought you only drank blood?”
The vampire pulls out a used tampon and says, “I’m making tea.”
SKUNKS
Q: What do you call two skunks in the 69 position?
A: Odour Eaters.
SERIOUSLY ILL
A woman is seriously ill, so her husband takes her to the doctor.
The doctor says, “It’s either Alzheimer’s or AIDS.”
The husband says, “How do we find out which?”
The doctor says, “Go for a long drive in the countryside, have a picnic, then leave her in the field. If she gets home, don’t fuck her.”
ROOSTER AND FLEA
Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a flea?
A: An itchy cock.
BIGGEST DRAWBACK
Q: What’s the biggest drawback in the jungle?
A: An elephant’s foreskin.
LAURA ON TOP
Q: Why does Laura Bush have to go on top?
A: Because George W Bush always fucks up.
WIVES AND JOBS
Q: What’s the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years your job still sucks.
TWO LESBIANS
Two lesbians are walking down the street with their hands down each other’s knickers.
A man walks by and says, “Why are you doing that?”
The first lesbian says, “We’re lip-reading.”
PERIOD PAINS
Q: Why do women cal period pains PMS?
A: Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
OLD WOMAN ON THE BUS
Two old women are having coffee when one asks the other, “Did you come on the bus?”
The other one says, “Yes, but I managed to make it look like an asthma attack.”
