THE 5 STAGES OF A FEMALE'S LIFE

1. To Grow Up

2. To Fill Out

3. To Slim Down

4. To Hold It In

AND

5. To Hell with it

John, my darling husband,

Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am enclosing a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife,

Joanna xx

P.S . Oh, by the way, your girlfriend called!!!!

Well the sun is shining today which never fails to pick up the spirits a little. However on going outside to take youngest to school there is definately a chill in the air and jack frost has left his mark on the parked cars!

Not going in again today, Simon is still poorly, had a bad night with a hacking cough and pain in throat and he begged me to stay with him so here I am. He is more important anyway

Didn't do my ironing yesterday as planned, amazing what crap there is on the telly to watch when you are at home so sat and watched it. I did however do some exercising so I have redeemed myself a little.

This morning I will try and do some ironing, though not making any promises after all I have a child to look after - that is my excuse and I am sticking to it lol!

Right better sort out a few emails and catch up with some paperwork

Well the sun is shining today which never fails to pick up the spirits a little. However on going outside to take youngest to school there is definately a chill in the air and jack frost has left his mark on the parked cars!

Not going in again today, Simon is still poorly, had a bad night with a hacking cough and pain in throat and he begged me to stay with him so here I am. He is more important anyway

Didn't do my ironing yesterday as planned, amazing what crap there is on the telly to watch when you are at home so sat and watched it. I did however do some exercising so I have redeemed myself a little.

This morning I will try and do some ironing, though not making any promises after all I have a child to look after - that is my excuse and I am sticking to it lol!

Right better sort out a few emails and catch up with some paperwork

Well I am not going into work today. I have a sick child.

Simon has taken to his bed and in all honesty he is very ill, in fact this is the child who battles on regardless because he is always worried about falling behind at school, so I know he is ill when he can't get out of bed on a school day.

Anyway he fainted a couple of times yesterday so wasn't going to send him in today anyway!

Would be nice if he could keep food and water down though, everytime he eats or drinks he brings it back up, so it is quite a nasty stomach bug he has on top of that the shivering and feeling cold when the heating is on full blast!

It will work out in its own good time no doubt.

So plans for today, to try and get no1 son to eat something and keep it down, so need to find something appetising and tempting for him to eat - a good excuse to visit Sainsburys. Then perhaps tackle the mountain of ironing that is sitting here waiting to be done and do some form of exercise as well.

A fun packed Tuesday then lol!

Well Monday has arrived again, the start of a new week to get through.

Eye feeling a little better, well it isn't itching and no gunk from it this morning so may attempt to go to work.

Simon sick in bed, not well poor thing, think he may be overtired as well so sent him back.

Richard usual annoying self, nothing much changes lol!

Not working long today, changed hours slightly as I have no class today so working in another - will be home by 12.30 which is bliss!

Feels very warm here today, had to turn the heating off as I was so warm, not sure what it is like outside of course, though weather man says it is quite mild.

Right better get off and tidy the breakfast things away.

What do you buy a man who is celebrating his 60th birthday?

Any ideas?

Is an Arsenal supporter, so have got him a book about arsenal but he isn't really into reading books at all.

Used to be a referee, no longer does that.

Tends to lay on sofa watching telly a lot.

Other than that not sure what interests he has

Help?

My eye has been sore for days. It is itchy, there is discharge, but there is no redness which is what most of the sites that I have looked at say there is with conjunctivitis.

i have been careful, we never share towels or flannels, I have tried not to touch the eye and have been bathing it with salt water.

Don't think it is Conjunctivitis, but if it carries on I will see the doctor.

That is what it feels like with the washing machine at the moment!

3rd lot of sheets now in the wash then I will have to tackle the mountain of clothes, eldest son has come home with.

Did manage to do some ironing, still have a basket or two to tackle though, but not in the mood for it and can't be bothered to do it now.

Simon had a great trip, said he was cold at times but otherwise it was fun. Really glad he is back home now, he was missed. At least I got some sympathy off him about my back - he even made me a cup of tea to say thanks for picking him up bless him

Nigel did cook tea tonight, not something Simon was impressed with. Nigel cooked chicken and chips, Simon said he had been eating junk all week and was hoping that I was going to cook something healthy, but as I pointed out I have been busy all weekend and was glad someone else was cooking instead. Have promised to make Chilli tomorrow though, his favourite. Plan on a stew on Tuesday and have to decide what to have the rest of the week but at least two days are sorted

Right, going to have a well earned drink now and sit and vegetate in front of the telly.

Sun is shining and it feels warmer than it has done of late. There is a bit of a breeze, as I can see the tall trees swaying in the wind.

Mood hasn't lifted today, back is worse due to the flipping dog having my down the stairs this morning, didn't get an awful lot of sympathy but at least hubby is now out of the way, doing a private job for a friend, and taken 2nd son with him.

So house to myself for a while.

Just had breakfast, need to get in the shower and face the crowds at Sainsburys. Don't normally shop there but cannot be bothered to go all the way to Asda to get the shopping. Only need a few things anyway which is a bonus, enough to get us through the week then i plan on tackling the ironing.

Have one boil wash on, a couple more than need to be done

Oh well better get a move on!

Firstly my apologies to those who got my friends only post twice, I did only press the send button once and am not impressed that two lots appeared! Oh and what the hell happened to my title? I wrote that before I wrote the main item - Blog.uk give me my title back!!!!!

While on the computer earlier, youngest son, in a bid to get into my good books, decided to strip the beds for me. Ok his needed doing due to a nose bleed in the night, but he decided to do all of them. So that gave me a good excuse to give the bedrooms a good clean and tidy, went out and purchased some new pillows for the boys beds, gave every room a good dust and hoover and got rid of ...............wait for it....................8 carrier bags of rubbish! My children don't seem to be able to throw anything away!

Bathroom got a good clean as well, everywhere hoovered, including the stairs and the living room back in order again. Only just sat down from doing it all, several piles of washing in the kitchen waiting to go into the machine. Only room not done is the kitchen, but not much point in doing that until Nig has finished cooking and I may, leave it until tomorrow now, after I have done the ironing that is piling up again.

I feel as though I have achieved something today, and though I still have another busy day ahead of me at least it is all back to being ship shape again

I love this one, really catchy!

I just love how the drummer throws himself into this

I love this one, really catchy!

I just love how the drummer throws himself into this

Nigels favourite video at the moment!

Well this evening has been a lot better.

I sat and laughed through Hollyoaks, first time I have seen it in two years and it is still dire, then switched over to Kerrang and have been singing along to the songs or tapping feet along to the tune. Hubby has been getting quite into it saying occasionally "Oh I like this song I heard it on the radio the other day" while youngest got excited over Bowling for Soup and their song 1985, which he saw on the telly the other day and is now begging me to buy the CD.

I have added to the list of CDs that I wish to purchase sometime in the near future to add to my collection, making a note of course of all the ones that Simon may like as well. He is really into the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, who I also like, and they never fail to lift my mood a bit.

In between times I have listened to Bon Jovi, Metallica and Bryan Adams on my MP3 player and ate comfort food in the form of chips from the Chinese (hubbys idea of chinese food is omlette and chips!) so he bought them home!!!

Drinking a nice glass of Rum and peppermint now so all is well in Faffa's world once more.

OLD people have problems that you haven't even
considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor
for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at
the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was
as
clean and empty as on the previous day. The
doctor asked what happened and the man explained,

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with
my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth
out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the
lady next door and she
tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her
knees, but still nothing.
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your
neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us
could get the jar open."

To say I am pissed off is an understatement. I can't even describe how I feel at the moment, just really fed up and want to run and hide.

I hate feeling like this.

So all I have done today is sit on the sofa and watched all the utter useless crap on the telly.

started out having Kerrang on but never got that far. Watched a film which was so pathetic I can't even remember the title on Movies 24, then an old episode of casualty, 5 mins of some nonce called Jeremy Kyle, he soon got switched off - what is that about?, Neighbours which was utter drivel - someone trying to give birth in a hospital which was burning and later, surprise surprise, the baby was stolen - all in the course of a day in neighbours - then some tv drama thing which as it turns out although predictable was just about watchable!!!

Upset child because the teacher shouted at him for not doing his homework (tough he got very little sympathy) though I don't agree with the homework system they have in place at junior school as it is totally irrelevant. It is a learning log where they get two objectives a week to do, so this week was draw members of your family and what have you learnt about Judaism. Now I would rather they sent him home with reading, spelling and times tables but no we have these learning log things which are a waste of time in my opinion - roll on Monday, parents consultation evening should be fun with a teacher that has only had him for 4 weeks!!

Right going to stop moaning and watch some more drivel for the sheer hell of it!

Actually come to think of it, describes me perfectly lol

Nicked from nannyogg

When you woke up today, what was the first thing you thought?
No I don't want to face the world today.

What's a word that rhymes with duck?
Luck

Favorite planet?
Sam's world

What is your favourite ring on your phone?
Calypso

What shirt are you wearing?
white tshirt with pink cardi

What were you doing 20 minutes ago?
Walking son to school

Name the brand of shoes you're currently wearing?
Rebook trainers

Bright or dark room
Enough light to cross stitch by

If you're in a room with two beds, which one do you sleep in?
The one closest to the door

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping - having a very weird dream

How do you like your eggs?
boiled

What's a word/phrase that you say a lot?
Don't really know if I have one

Who told you he/she loved you last?
My husband as he was leaving for work this morning

Last furry thing you touched?
My dog that was breathing in my ear this morning

How many rolls of film do you need to get developed?
2 - they belong to the children

Favorite age you have been so far?
24, 25, 32 and 40

Your worst enemy?
Oneof my ex boyfriends

What is the picture on your desktop?
The same as the one on top of my blog

What was the last thing you said to someone?
Have a good day and take care, love you.

If you had to choose between a million £££'s or being able to fly, which one would you choose and why?
The money, I like to stay on ground

Last song you listened to?
she's a maneater - it was playing on the radio

If the last person you spoke to was getting shot at, what would you do?
Scream, cry phone police

If you could punch one person in the face, who would it be?
No one words are better then punching

What is the closest object to your left foot?
A chair

First thought upon waking "Do I really have to get up?"

Ok so I have got out of taking Nig to work this morning, he has taken the car which means that I will not be able to get out and about as a result, which considering financial situation will propbably be a good thing.

But I really didn't want to face the world this morning.

I am hoping this is just the normal January blues that I get and nothing more. It is not like me to feel this low. Everything is getting on my nerves at the moment, work, weight, pain, life and yet there is no reason for it to really.

This isn't the usual cheerful me I have to say, and I hate feeling like this, perhaps it is time to start taking the St John's wort again.

On a happier note, heard from NO.1 son yesterday, well he texted me to say that he did get the things I dropped off at the school before he left - honestly he would forget his head if it wasn't attached to his neck. Seems like he is having a good time despite the weather, which is good.

Oh well better make sure youngest child is now ready for school and go and have my shower!

Couldn't get on the computer this morning to do my morning post as hubby decided at 7.45 this morning that he must have the car.

Damm

his van was due for its MOT so he was going to drop that off, drop me off at work, drop Richard off at school then go to work. He then needed to pick Richard up and then me, but that is an even longer story!

consequently at 8.10 this morning I was sitting in the staffroom cuddling a hot cup of coffee, when I didn't really need to be there until 9 which is when I start work.

Kids have been hyper at school today as well, must be something in the air. then some kind person decided to bring in the biggest tin of chocolates I have ever seen, which has now been demolished by the staff!

Next week will be strange. Most of the class are off on school trip to the farm so won't be about for a couple of days. I have a class as a base on Monday then after that I am being used for cover supervision which I am ok about because I haven't a class for the rest of the week, so until my class come back I am floating which should be fun

Nig picked me up at 4, and gave me the news that the van had failed so will have to sort out the money to pay for all the repairs tomorrow, which also means that I have the task of taking him to work in Stevenage tomorrow as well and picking him up afterwards!!

My day off, good job I don't have much planned lol!

Not been too bad weatherwise today, cold outside but not icy as feared and no further snow falls thankfully and the sun has shone which always serves to brighten the mood a little

Just had the latest underwear catalogue delivered so going to have a browse to see if there is anything that is worth buying, that I cannot possibly do without - afterall a girl cannot have too much underwear!

Yeah like I will do this!

It has been a strange day. Lots of moans and groans from the kids because they couldn't go out to play in whatever remained of the snow (health and safety, we don't want them to break a limb now do we?), teachers snapping at each other, kids hyper, teachers not being able to do what they should be doing and an assembly where there shouldn't have been an assembly.

I feel as though I have chased my tail and not caught it - now I know how my greyhound feels

Then of course there was a Governors meeting, where not a lot was done, even though a lot was said.

coming home it has felt empty. Hubby is here, as is my youngest child, but my eldest isn't here. He has gone on his Geography field trip to Kingswood activity centre in Cromer and the house feels empty without him around. Not that we see him much when he is at home, he sits in his room playing his playstation and listening to his music, occasionally popping downstairs to see if there is any food to devour in the kitchen and ask 101 questions about what we are watching. It isn't as though I can pretend he is upstairs either as even passing his room earlier I thought how empty the house feels without him around.

Oh I know, grow up. Eventually he will leave the nest and move out. He will move on with life, because he has a plan and knowing my son he will achieve it no matter how long it takes him, but it seems strange without him now.

Reflecting on this I think that as he grows older the more like me he becomes. There is definately more of me in him than his father and once I did worry about this as he was getting far too serious, and yes, he is still serious, still very studious, but has developed a sense of humour especially apparent when we tease him as is our want. But the seriousness of him has been my rock recently. There is nothing I cannot talk to him about. Watching Kerrang together the other night he was commenting on what groups he liked and why which was nice as no one else here seems to share my taste in music, but it seems my eldest is beginning to - Trivinium is our current favourite, alongside Metallica, and Megadeth, though I am also a fan of Snow Patrol, the Calling and Feeder. My musical tastes have a vast range and so his are beginning to develop that way. We can talk about it whereas if I mention Megadeth to Nig he looks at me as though I have just sworn at him!

I miss my son, it is only the first night, God knows what I will do when he decides to move out altogether lol

First thought as the alarm went off this morning "God it is cold"

Shuffled up under the duvet trying to get warmth off hubby's body who btw spent most of the night talking in his sleep and thrashing about (I was lucky not to have my nose broken again at one point). One dog must also have been cold as he was trying, in vain, to get up between us for warmth, but I was having none of that, he always nicks the duvet!

Finally dragged myself out of bed as the weatherman announced that most of the southern Counties are under a 'blanket' of snow.

Great I thought, I hate snow.

Peered gingerly between crack in the curtains hoping that he was wrong, but alas no, I am not that lucky.

Ok it isn't a lot,even I have to admit that, but enough that if it doesn't disappear by the end of today then you can bet it will freeze over tonight, then it will be icy, then the idiots will be on the road then then then..................

WWWWAAAAAHHHHHHH

I want to stay at home in the warm. I don't want to go to work. It is toooooo cold out there!

I hate winter!

Woke up this morning, first thing I notice was how cold I feel. There is no frost outside, yet when you open the door it feels very frosty. cold enough for snow brrrrrr.

Throat is still sore, and I feel very tired yet I had a good night sleeps, no dreams to torment me or make me think. Surprising really, as Nig was being attacked by rabid dogs and zombies in Resident evil 4!

got to go in early to work this morning. Head has called a meeting of Tas so have to be there. Wales has now been booked, 2 nights in a lovely hotel in Aber so at least we will not have to drive to Uncle's party we can get a taxi!! Lots of drinking ahead - oh dear just remembered will have to drive home next day so not much point drinking too much

Ok enough rambling, hope everyone has a good day, must dash off to work now

The Church Phone

A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around
the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started
working
east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking
photographs
and making notes.

He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall, and was intrigued
with a sign which read, "$10,000 per minute."

Seeking out the pastor, he asked about the phone and the sign.
The
pastor
answered that the golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to
Heaven,
and
if he pays the price, he can talk directly to God.

The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way.

As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Salt Lake City,
Denver,
Chicago,
Milwaukee, and around the United State s, he found more such
phones,
with
the same sign, and the same explanation from each pastor.

Finally, the man arrived in the lovely state of North Carolina.
Upon
entering
a church, behold: he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS
time,
the
sign read: "Calls: 25 cents"!

Fascinated, the man asked to speak with the pastor.

"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each
church I have found this golden telephone, and have been told it
is
a
direct
line to Heaven, and that I could use it to talk to God..

But in 20 other churches, the cost was $10,000 per minute. Your
sign
says
25 cents per call. Why is that?"
(I just love this part!)

The pastor, smiling benignly, replied: "Son, you're in the South now,
and it's a local call. "

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The
cannibal
king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The
first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of
the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather
fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The
king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up
your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in
pain,
so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king
explained
the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in
laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why
did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I
couldn't
help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."

A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a
bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see
advertised in
the
phone books under "Escorts and Massages".

He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself
Erotique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautif ul long
wavy
hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind... So he is
in his room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call.

"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy!

"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my
room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and
what I really want is sex.
I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky
the whole night long.
You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've
got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate
syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that
sound?"

She says, "That sounds fantastic; But for an outside line you need to
press
9".

--The Bacon Tree--

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close
to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden. ......

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with renewed strength,
they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a
tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.

"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't
forget"
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees
no
meerage, ees a bacon tree".

And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5
metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a
machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear
he is mortally wounded but. true friend that he is, he manages to
warn Pepe with his dying breath.

"Pepe...go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree" "Luis Luis
mi amigo...what ees it? "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..

Ees

Ees

Ees

Ees

Eees a Ham Bush.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun,

Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way
the
old nun had instructed

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's
nakedness

if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
night
bath had gone.

"Oh sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash
him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his
legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to
Heaven
fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
assured
salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to
Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to
salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell
my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."

"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun.
"He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~##

Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning.

He told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, then
he

collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost
whimpering.

Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld,

Just exactly how many is a Brazillion?"

Even if you didn't grow up Catholic, you'll appreciate this
one......

Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together, discussing
how
important their children are.

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When
he walks
into a room, everyone calls him "Father."

The second Catholic woman chirps, "Well, my son is a bishop.
Whenever
he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace.'"

The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you
down, but
my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people
say 'Your
Eminence.'"

The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The
first three
women give her this subtle "Well...?"

She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2," hard bodied, well
hung,
Male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, women say, "My
God!"

A Woman's Poem

He didn't like the casserole

And he didn't like my cake.

My biscuits were too hard...

Not like his mother used to make.

I didn't perk the coffee right

He didn't like the stew,

I