A fellow checked into a hotel on a business trip recently and was a
bit lonely so he thought he'd get one of those girls you see
advertised in
the
phone books under "Escorts and Massages".
He opened the phone book to an ad for a girl calling herself
Erotique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautif ul long
wavy
hair, long graceful legs all the way up. You know the kind... So he is
in his room and figures, what the hell, he gives her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says. God she sounded sexy!
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my
room and give me one.
No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and
what I really want is sex.
I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky
the whole night long.
You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've
got in your bag of tricks.
We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, cover me in chocolate
syrup and whip cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that
sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic; But for an outside line you need to
press
9".
--The Bacon Tree--
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close
to death.
They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable,
when all of a sudden. ......
"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet"
"Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee". So, with renewed strength,
they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a
tree loaded with bacon.
There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back
bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat.
"Pepe, Pepe, we is saved. "Eees a bacon tree".
"Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't
forget"
"Pepe when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell like bacon...ees
no
meerage, ees a bacon tree".
And with that ....Luis Races towards the tree. he gets to within 5
metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a
machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear
he is mortally wounded but. true friend that he is, he manages to
warn Pepe with his dying breath.
"Pepe...go back man, you was right ees not a bacon tree" "Luis Luis
mi amigo...what ees it? "Pepe...ees not a bacon tree..
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Eees a Ham Bush.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath, and the young nun,
Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way
the
old nun had instructed
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's
nakedness
if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday
night
bath had gone.
"Oh sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash
him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his
legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he now?" said the old nun evenly.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key to
Heaven
fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be
assured
salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to
Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more evenly.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to
salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell
my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun.
"He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~##
Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning.
He told Bush that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.
To everyone's amazement, all of the colour ran from Bush's face, then
he
collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost
whimpering.
Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld,
Just exactly how many is a Brazillion?"
