Auditor

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to
the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised
when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an
extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,
which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that
believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says
Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go
ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I
can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's
a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet
you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other
eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes
the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and
lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a
witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll
bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one
side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on
the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he
looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy
can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants,
but although he strains mightily, he can't make the
stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he
pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has
just turned a major loss into a huge win. But
Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his
hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when
Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he
bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in
here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and
that you'd be happy about it."

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the
lobby of their nursing home one evening.

The old man looked over and said to the old lady, I know just what
you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in
that rocking chair."

The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.

The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft
sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some
candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had
in your life."

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts
digging down in her purse.

She pulls out a wrinkled $20 and holds it up.

"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.

"Get serious." she said, "Four times in the rocker."

Bionic Fred

This is the tale of young Freddie Bloor,
Whose sexual equipment was jammed in a door,
By the time they had freed him he didn't feel well,
For his poor private parts were all mangled to hell.

They rushed him to hospital, the ambulance flew,
But when they arrived there was nowt they could do,
What a sad blow for Fred, condemned without choice,
To a life without sex, and a high squeaky voice.

But lucky for Fred, so he wouldn't feel a fool,
Some bright spark suggested a bionic tool,
A smart new electric one made out of brass,
Though the batteries would have to be kept us his arse.

So newly equipped and after a rest,
Fred thought he would put his new tool to the test,
So finding the woman, the nearest one handy,
Filled her with drink and made her feel randy.

The girl without waiting put her hand in Fred's flies,
When she felt what was there she gave a cry of suprise, "That's my
bionic chopper, now let's have some fun" "Cor blimey" she said "it felt
like a gun".

They both stripped off quick and Fred entered her fast,
And turned up the speed knob and gave her full blast,
They clutched tight to each other as Fred's dick shook them some more,
Then they shook off the bed and rolled onto the floor.

How the pace hotted up and they started to choke,
As the air in the room became filled with blue smoke,
With a bang Fred's left bollock shot into the air,
And the other went bonketty bonk down the stair.

So back for repair went Fred full of woe,
Was this how his sex life was destined to go,
A return to the doctor at the end of each shag,
With a prick in his pocket and his balls in a bag.

But they fixed young Fred up and made him manly again,
And they helped out the batteries with a flex for the main,
So if he can't get a girl now lucky Fred doesn't cry,
'Cos he's now AC/DC and can go with a guy.

The End

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: Knowing when to come in out of the rain; Why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and Maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge)

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer Calpol, sun lotion or a band-aid to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement. Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 3 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone. If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

Self-conscious about what you wear while working out? A Dutch gym plans to introduce "Naked Sunday" for people who like to huff and puff in the buff.

Patrick de Man, owner of Fitworld gym in the town of Heteren, said he got the idea in part from two of his customers who are avid nudists.

"I heard that some other gyms are offering courses on `pole-dancing' as a sport, so I thought: Why not bring something new to the market?" de Man said.

He said the response had been overwhelming — positive and negative.

The 70,000-member Dutch Federation of Naturists was curious to see if Fitworld's plan would work, spokesman Bernd Huiser said.

"We recently conducted a large survey among our members, and most prefer to exercise with their clothes on," he said. "The most popular activities (for nudists) are things you do outdoors, like walking on the beach, or swimming in a lake, or maybe gardening."

De Man said the first question Fitworld customers were asking was whether it would be sanitary.

He said the response had been overwhelming — positive and negative.

The 70,000-member Dutch Federation of Naturists was curious to see if Fitworld's plan would work, spokesman Bernd Huiser said.

"We recently conducted a large survey among our members, and most prefer to exercise with their clothes on," he said. "The most popular activities (for nudists) are things you do outdoors, like walking on the beach, or swimming in a lake, or maybe gardening."

De Man said the first question Fitworld customers were asking was whether it would be sanitary.

Nude exercisers would be required to put towels down on weight machines and to use disposable seat covers while riding bikes. All machines would be cleaned and disinfected afterward. "We clean them every day anyway," he said.

The first "Naked Sunday" is scheduled for March 4.

Well it has arrived, the day when our visitors arrive at the school and decide if we are good or not.

Teachers were running around like headless chickens yesterday, making sure they had everything they needed and checking it twice. Lesson plans read and reread. My catch word of the day was "If it isn't done now it never is going to be so why worry"

We are a good school. Good supportive staff, everyone knows what they are doing yet the thought that ofsted come in and make or break you is daunting to say the least. I think you can plan too much in all honesty, seeing the teachers stress themselves out is not good, don't suppose many of them got much sleep last night either.

Supporting my teacher, eventually got home at 5.30 yesterday, which was nice considering the hours I put in over the weekend. After cooking tea and updating my folder, talking to a friend on the phone, I eventually went to bed absolutely shattered by the events of the day. Didn't stop me from tossing and turning and beginning to doubt that I know what I am doing - my lesson plan is so detailed it is impossible to go wrong really!

Yet in another way I feel chilled. The only thing they will look for from me is communication with the teacher, if I am singing from the same hymn sheet so to speak with the group I am working with. No different from any other day really except today I will have a lesson plan to go by whereas on other days I use my initiative, differentiating when it is needed if I see a child struggle.

On a different note, notice went up about the university course for TAs who wish to train as a teacher at the local uni. "Go for it," several ppl said yesterday, and I have to admit part of me was tempted. Then reality hits as it often does. I really cannot afford it even with a grant - 4 years of a course at uni, when in about three years time there is a possibility Simon might want to go and then we couldn't afford it. Not fair he should be denied a chance really, he has his whole life ahead of him. I don't want to teach anyway, I am though considering doing a degree course, just not sure which one at the moment

Right then better be of, there is a staff meeting this morning - meet the inspectors - as well as one after school!

Have a good day!