Auditor

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to
the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised
when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an
extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment,
which you explain by saying that you win money
gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that
believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says
Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go
ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I
can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's
a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it.

The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet
you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other
eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes
the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and
lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a
witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll
bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one
side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on
the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in
between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he
looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy
can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants,
but although he strains mightily, he can't make the
stream reach the wastebasket on other side, so he
pretty much urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has
just turned a major loss into a huge win. But
Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his
hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when
Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he
bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in
here and piss all over an IRS official's desk and
that you'd be happy about it."