Spread your wings and fly away

Son, thankfully, has finished studying the joys of Dr Who in his English lessons and went into school at the beginning of the week to a new topic.

Teacher looks at him.

"Where is your work on Jane Eyre" Teacher asks.

"What work?"

"The work I set before half term on the book" Replies Mr. idiot

"Er I was away from school ill for two weeks and the week before then I was at Kingswood" replies son

"Well we are studying Jane Eyre and I set work on it. where is yours?"

"Er sir I didn't know about it, sorry but if you let me know what it is you wanted done I will do it at the weekend"

"Well in that case you will have to do it now, we are on Chapter 10"

"ok" says son, "can I borrow a copy of the book please?"

"no"

"Pardon?"

"No, you can't borrow one, you can't take these ones home."

"But sir, how can I do the work if I haven't read the book and don't know what it is about?"

"You will just have to manage won't you" says Mr. Idiot.

Quite rightly, son is not impressed and was getting very angry whilst telling me this last night as I was getting ready for bed. So being the dutiful mother that I am, and not having a copy of that book (and believe me that is rare in this house), I dutifully purchased a copy of it this morning.

At this point I stress, son is severly put out because his friend is studying Pride and Prejudice and knowing it is my favourite novel, son was hoping to do it as well - at least he would get copious amounts of help with the homework!

The temptation to buy the BBC adaptation of Jane Eyre on DVD has been overwhelming, but I resisted. He has promised to read the book and I will do afterwards to refresh memory so that I can help if the need arises!

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital
when, during her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was
masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!!
Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry
that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition
where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do
that at least 5 times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his
testicles could easily rupture".

Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.
In the very next room, a male patient was lying in bed and it was
obvious that a nurse was performing oral sex on him. Again, the
woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness but he's
with Bupa"

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. the mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother replies, "Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it." "You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" the mom asked puzzled. "Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."

PM's email response to road pricing petition

To: 1.7 million angry voters
Subject: Increase the size of your majority
From: 'Tone'

Cyber people of Britain dot com,

This is your prime minister here, virtual hand gesture, shiny hard-drive, smiley emoticon. I have now read your 1.7 million emails. I had a bit of trouble, I couldn't make the smiley paper clip thing go away, so I have made him minister for Northern Ireland.

I do understand your worries about the planned vehicle tracking and road pricing policy. Believe me, there is nobody more concerned about vehicle tracking than I am. After all, I need to know where Gordon Brown is at all times.

As I said at a party conference, I am listening. I hear. And I will act. Apparently, deleting with this matter will be simple. Sorry, did I say delete? I mean dealing with this matter will be simple. Why did I think of the word "delete?"

But do keep your ideas coming in. Number 10 values receiving your half-baked ideas, as we've decided to start charging £1.30 per email.

Blogging off for now,

Tone

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her

shower, when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a
towel

and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.
Before

she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you £800 to drop that towel."
After

thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
front

of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her £800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she
gets

to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the £800 he owes

me?"

Moral of the story : If you share critical information pertaining to

credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a
position

to prevent avoidable exposure

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs,
forcing

her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After

controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest removed his
hand.

But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun
once

again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"

The priest apologised "Sorry sister but the flesh is weak." Arriving
at

the convent, the nun went on her

way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129.
It

said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."

Moral of the story: If you are not well informed in your job, you
might

miss a great opportunity

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch

when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The

Genie says, "I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the
Bahamas,

driving a speedboat, without a care in the world."

Puff! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing

on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina
Coladas

and the love of my life."

Puff! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I
want

those two back in the office after lunch."

Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit
saw

the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a

sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be
sitting

very, very high up

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to
the

top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the
bull.

They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough

strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after

eating

some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth

night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story: BullS*** might get you to the top, but it won't
keep

you there

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird

froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying
there,

a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize

how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there
all

warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
Following

the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and

promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:

(1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend

(3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends the 3-minute management course

It is nearly 2 O'clock and yet I have done very little. I was awake far too early this morning, I have been into town and I have been and done the weeks shopping.

I need to iron a top for tonight, but first I really think I should lie down for a little while as I have a splitting headache.

I can't be ill today. A friend of mine is 40 today and we are going out celebrating - a girls night out which will probably mean ending up in a nightclub somewhere to the wee small hours of the morning.

She wants to go to the new casino that has opened up around here, but I am really hoping that we don't. I have been to one before and not being a gambling person it isn't much fun after the first hour or so. Also as it is a new casino and it is opening today it will be packed and airless!

Oh I know that most of them you need to register with first, but this one is registering on the door if you bring a form of id. Great - really hope we can avoid it!

Right better go and heat that iron up or at least have something to eat - it will be a long night!