Spread your wings and fly away

To everyone who looked in and posted those kind comments to my earlier post about my night out. It is very much appreciated.

Hugs to you all

FJ xx

Home.

Home is with my husband, who I love dearly, who puts up with my outbursts with love and tenderness, who supplies me with endless cups of tea when I am down, who protects me but also allows me the freedom to be me without question, who makes me laugh.

Home is with my two children, who I love very much. Who drive me insane at times, but who care for me, who make me laugh, who are brilliant kids.

Home is with my two dogs, who allow me to cuddle them, who love me unconditionally, who will curl up to me when they sense that I need that hug.

Home is by the sea, where I would really love to be, surrounded by hills, knowing that the beach is just walking distance away.

Home is not where I live now, this is temporary. This is a stop gap until we are able to move to a place near the sea. At the moment it is a house on the edge of a town. It is 5 minutes from the countryside, there are woods to one side. One day our home will be by the sea, but for now this will do.

Right this will be a self pitying post, so please pass along you don't have to read!

Last night, went out with the girls and one token male to celebrate a friend's 40th Birthday.

Dressed in black skirt, stockings and green top with just a hint of a cleavage i set forth to meet at her house, not feeling in the least bit sexy but frumpy, exaggerated by the fact that the other girls there are dressed to kill in dresses that showed off their curves to perfection.

Oh hum here we go thinks I.

Determined not to ruin what could be a good night out, Plaster a smile on face and we head off to one of the Chinese restaurants in town, eat, then decide that we are off to dance the night away.

Our usual haunt is closed for refurbishment. Have a drink in one of the local pubs to decide where to go. Find some seats which is a rareity, Noise level pumping through head with indie music (groan), have a few laughs with token male - as you can imagine talk gets onto all sorts which he encourages, and sit and drink while watching all the young women around us pluck and prune themselves for any menfolk that may be in the vicinity.

At this point tow of the size 10 girls discuss how fat they have got recently. "Look I can pinch more than an inch" says one. "I have hit 40 and can't seem to shift it"

Deep breaths not going to rise to bait.

Other one also sits there comparing her stomach and arms and how much it all wobbles.

By this time I am feeling huge. I am the biggest person there, size 16 with flabby arms, stomach (which at the moment looks pregnant) and I am getting more down by the second.

I really wanted to go home.

But it is my friends birthday who has had no part in this conversation, she wants to find somewhere to dance, so we head off towards a club for over 21s, on the way being given tickets to another club in the area for free entry - which I can categorically state was one of the worst places I have ever been in.

It is for over 21s, they never said anything about you having to be under 21.5 years to go in because we were by far the eldest people in the room. Antoher friend used the 'powder room' which has one cubicle with two toilets in it - she made a quick exit!

We eventually did find another club, more reasonable in age, but why do men think you want to dance with them - I was grabbed by one who wouldn't take no for an answer, twirled around dance floor, treading on my feet as he went and nearly breaking my fingers - eventually managed to escape and find a seat where the base of the music could thump through body till my head thumped and made you unable to have a conversation with the person next to you.

2 O'clock in the morning, me and another friend departed, saying our goodbyes to birthday girl assuring her we had a good time then I came home and cried, I have never felt so low.

Things like this don't usually bother me, but lately it really has been. I managed to drag myself out of bed to face the world but in reality I just want to crawl back in again.

How bad is that really? All I see is this fat thing, all I feel is fat, and I know I am doing something positive to get back to normal, but it doesn't help in the meantime.

This is me, stupid.