Spread your wings and fly away

He has set the table to continue with the Dungeons and Dragons game tomorrow!

Help me someone please!!!

I can't take anymore dice throwing!!!!!!!!

That I am signing off now, so you can recouperate your stomach muscles and relax your smiling faces for a while lol!

I am off to bed to get myself energised for tomorrows shopping trip - yes tomorrow the girls are going shopping for outfits for best friends daughter's wedding!

Problem is will I find anything suitable to wear?

hmmmm

so wish me luck and in case I don't make an appearance I am wandering around Milton Keynes muttering madly lol!!

Have a good evening

A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer.
All of a sudden, he said out loud, "Lord, grant me one wish."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Besides, think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy."

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

The Technical Rehearsal.

It looks as though there'll be time for a third dress rehearsal.

Take your time getting back.

We've been ready for hours.

There's plenty of room for more instruments over here.

The headsets are working perfectly.

The cue lights are working perfectly.

The orchestra has no complaints.

The whole company is standing by whenever you want them.

Well that didn't last long.

That went SO well!

We've finished early so why don't the crew get off home?

We've finished early.

The Actor.

Don't. Let's not talk about me.

I've got a bit of free time; do you want a hand to unload the set?

I really think my big scene should be cut.

This costume is SO comfortable!

I love my shoes.

No problem, I can do that for myself.

No problem.

I have a fantastic agent, here, I'll give you his number; mention me.

I have a fantastic agent.

Let me stand right upstage with my back to the audience.

No, leave the light where it is, I'll walk into it.

Shall I take these cups back?

No, honestly, it's my round.

The Stage Crew

Not at all, that instrument isn't in the way.

We'll get in early and do it tomorrow.

No, no, I'm sure that's our job.

Anything I can do to help?

All the tools are carefully locked away.

Can we do that scene change again, please?

It's a marvellous show!

I don't need this many on the crew.

You're all far too busy; I'll get it onstage on my own.

That was easy.

I'll do it straight after I mop the stage.

Another props table? Certainly.

No, honestly, it's my round.

Thanks, but I don't drink.

The Sound/Electrics Crew

I must fix the light in the publicity office.

This equipment is far more complicated than we need.

Of course I can operate sound from here.

Be sure to keep that instrument away from the flying pieces.

Move all the lights on the FOH bar a foot to the right? No problem.

No problem.

I'll do that right away.

All the equipment is working perfectly.

That had nothing to do with the computer, it was my fault.

I have all the equipment I need, thanks.

No, honestly, it's my round.

Thanks, but I don't drink.

The Director

That's fine, I've got my own torch.

Leave it where it is, we'll re-block it.

We'll bring the crew onstage just before the author.

We'll bring the crew onstage.

This chair's fine, thank you.

Thank You.

We'll use it as it is.

Let the crew have that day.

That's perfect!

My round, are all the crew here?

The Choreographer

This floor's fine.

Plenty warm enough, thank you.

The lights are spot on, thank you.

Thank you.

Leave it as it is; we'll fit in somehow.

One dressing room's fine.

The costumes are perfect.

The boom positions are fine.

The wing space is ample, really.

Nightmare No.1

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled
out a cigarette from his jeans & searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table & found a box of matches
sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.
"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.
"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.
"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

Nightmare No. 2

The spark had been lost in this guy's marriage, so he was trying to
think of ways to rekindle it.
One night he came from work, & found his wife asleep in
bed. He thought to himself, "what should I do? Oh I know."
He proceeded to get under the covers & go down on his wife.
Soon she began to gently squirm & moan in pleasure. After a few minutes, her body spasmed with ecstasy as she climaxed.

Afterwards, the man went straight to the bathroom to brush his teeth. When he got there, the light was on & he saw his wife there shaving her legs.
He exclaimed, "What are you doing in here!?"
She said, "Shhhh!," pointing at the bed, You'll wake your mother"

Nightmare No.3

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, when the guy starts feeling a little
horny.
With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall &
smiling, he says to her, "Honey, would you give me a blow job?" !
Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" He asks grinning at
her.
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much!?"
"No, no, & no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no.I just can't"
"I'm begging you ... "

Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, & the girl's sister
shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, & in a sleepy voice she says:
"Dad says to go ahead & give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, mom says she can come down herself and do it.
But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom"

1. Why does your gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed?

2. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

3 . Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

4. Is it possible to brush your teeth without wiggling your arse?

5. Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, 'My name is Bob and I am an alcoholic'?

6. If you mated a bulldog and a shitsu, would it be called a bullshit?

7. Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

8. Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?

9. Why does mineral water that 'has trickled through mountains for centuries' have a 'use by' date?

10. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp no one would eat?

11. Is French kissing in France just called kissing?

12. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out'?

13. What do people in China call their good plates?

14. If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

15. Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

16. Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

17. What do you call male ballerinas?

18. Can blind people see in their dreams? Do they dream??

19. If Wile E.Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why couldn't he just buy dinner?

20. Why is a person that handles your money called a 'Broker'?

21. If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

22. If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

23. If a man is talking in the forest, and no woman is there to hear him, is he still wrong?

24. Why is it that when someone tells you that there are over a billion stars in the universe, you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint somewhere, you have to touch it to make sure?

25. Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

26. Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a haemorrhoid when it's in your ass?

27. Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get
into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight
attendant noticed his predicament. Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall." He did what he needed to and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP,and a red
one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his rear adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.

The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving
pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your willy is under your pillow."

The British Military writes OFR's (officer fitness reports). The form used
for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are
actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....

- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

- I would not breed from this Officer.

- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definitely won't-be.

- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change
whichever foot was previously in there.

- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.

- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

- Technically sound, but socially impossible.

- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope - always spinning around
at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.

- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then
he has aged considerably.

- This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.

- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.

- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.

- This Officer should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better.

- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.

- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap

- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure

I was playing this while we played a game:

I think this video is great, cheers me up everytime but don't recommend you doing it under the influence of alcolhol lol!

Well we didn't manage to go out for that walk afterall.

Nigel draged me to town to see if we could pick up his new phone. He was told that it was now in stock, but when we got there the only ones that had arrived were contract phones and not PAYG. Disappointment reigned and we tried Carphone Warehouse where they wanted to charge £10 more, so no phone.

He says he will try a shop in Hemel on his way home from work tomorrow though I think it will be best to wait until next weekend when the girl who said would put one aside will be there.

So came home and sat down while he watched a movie and I read a book that I started yesterday and finished today - Alison Pearson I don't know how she does it. Quite good, took you from reality for a while and realised that juggling work, children and homelife can be difficult at times.

We are now playing Dungeons and Dragons with the kids that is taken ages to do and I have to admit the most boring game ever, but in the true spirit of being a Mum with a child who loves the game I have to smile sweetly and play along with the rest of the family.

So see you later when I get 'killed' or fall asleep through boredom lol!!

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently
it
had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one,
"Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit
only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your
story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has
been
cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed.
As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong,
but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have
been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was
this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was
really mad, so I
started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he
wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a
hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand
that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell
into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran
into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it
landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to
me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man
in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full,
and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my
apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises
out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something,
because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of
the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long,
when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was
saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I
could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started
pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell
into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I
was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and
crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty
horrible
death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for
his
story.

"Picture
this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

A great note for all to read it will take just 37 seconds to read this
and
change your thinking

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room.

One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to
help
drain the fluid from his lungs.
His bed was next to the room's only window.

The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and
families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military
service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he
would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could
see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where
his
world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the
world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely
lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their
model
boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a
fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the
man on
the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque
scene.

One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by.

Although the other
man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the
gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.

Days and weeks passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only
to
find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully
in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take
the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be
moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and
after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first
look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the
window beside the
bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate
who
had described such wonderful things outside this window.

The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the
wall.

She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."

Epilogue:

There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own
situations.

Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.

If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money
can't buy.

"Today is a gift, that's why it is called the present."

I am going to drag everyone out of bed and insist that we go somewhere nice today with the dogs

I feel like a walk in the sunshine.

Another gloriously sunny day today. Shame I didn't get to enjoy yesterdays sunshine but hoping to today instead.

Yesterday was a frenzy of cleaning activity. When I got up I just chucked on a pair of tracksuit bottoms and a top as I knew that the kitchen needed a good clean. So after catching up on everything that had happened here overnight, answered a couple of emails and had that first cup of tea, I set to on emptying cupboards, hoovering them with the hose attachment, and cleaning the insides with some Mr Muscle and hot water. That done and the necessary rearranging of cupboards completed set to on sorting out the items that we used to store on top of the cupboards that were residing in the dining room, and making sure that I didn't put back anything that I could do without.

Quick job?

No unfortunately as I didn't really want anything on top of the cupboards so the trick was trying to find new homes for them. The only thing I was allowing was the wine rack and the dog paraphanalia - e.g. the basket that contains the tablets, chew sticks etc. So I filled a basket with all the bits and pieces that I would need to be handy but wouldn't need until necessary (things like hoover filters, hoover belt) and asked hubby to put them in the cupboard under the stairs, which is when all hell broke loose.

Silly me, of course putting a basket of items in the cupboard under the stairs would obviously mean that the cupboard would need a good sorting out as well wouldn't it?

So we spent the next 4 hours, yes 4 hours, doing just that. Everything was taken out, checked whether we still needed it or not, what could go to the rubbish tip, what could be kept aside for a car boot sale, what we really needed and what we could be stored in the garage! I have to say at this point I was made £25 better of, as I went through the mountain of handbags that had accumulated in there and found some money that had obviously been put in there for some reason rather than in my purse I even managed to throw 3 bags away!

Once all that was done and home found for the basket, I set to on the rest of the kitchen, scrubbing front of cupboards, worktops, kitchen appliances, the floor - which I did on my hands and knees, no mop was available - and finally the sink. I went through 3 dishcloths and 4 sponges in the process. The only thing that remained untouched was the inside of the oven purely because I have to build up to that one, it needs doing but I have put aside a day this week for it to be done!

I would like to say I was environmentally friendly, but alas having run out and not replenished the white vinegar or the bicarbonate of soda, I relied on Mr. Muscle instead, but there is a pleasing smell in the kitchen this morning and the kids have been warned not to mess it up and to clear up after them!

The living room got a quick flick of the duster and a quick hoover then I relaxed in a nice warm bath to ease the pain in my back.

So where was kids and hubby while all this was going on?

After the clear out of the cupboard, they put the music channel on the telly and played a game of Dungeons and Dragons while I slaved away lol!

Typical!!