Spread your wings and fly away

This was an email I received earlier!

It was the season that had everything, from a training-ground knife threat to the defender who earned £146,341 for each minute’s play

John Aizlewood

The Special One: Sir Alex Ferguson, yet another title-winning team, a touch of flair and sufficient generosity of spirit to include Kieran Richardson to give the others a chance.

The Not So Special One: Jose Mourinho, all that whingeing, not being good enough in Europe, Khalid Boulahrouz (not his idea, but he didn’t have to play him) and the ugliness even when beating Charlton 1-0.

Manager of the year: Colchester United’s Geraint Williams. Seemingly doomed in August with their League One crowds, League One players and League Two ground. One victory off the Championship playoffs in May.

Most universally enjoyed relegation since Leeds going down to the Championship in 2004: Leeds’s relegation to League One in 2007.

Least dependable postal service of the year: the one Sam Allardyce used to send his writ to the BBC, as they still haven’t received it.

Mystery of the year: why Javier Mascherano started just three Premiership games for West Ham.

What we’ve learned from Neil Warnock this season:
1: Sheffield United lost at Aston Villa because Liverpool played their reserves at Fulham.
2: They’re in trouble because West Ham haven’t been docked points. 3: Nobody likes them.
4: They don’t care.
5: Gareth Southgate is friendly with Stuart Pearce.
6: All referees hate Sheffield United.
7: If Keith Gillespie was Cristiano Ronaldo, the Blades would get more penalties.
8: Last season he sold Billy Sharp to Scunthorpe for a box of felt-tip pens. This season, Sharp scored 30 goals while no Blade has reached double figures. Last season he bought Ade Akinbiyi from Burnley. This season he sold him back, for £1m less.
9: He can’t say what he thinks about referees.
10: All refs are biased against plucky Sheffield United.

Least successful bid to overturning a driving ban: Nigel Reo-Coker’s claim that he couldn’t hire a chauffeur because “I would not know if I can trust that person. Professional footballers are targets. There are criminal gangs who wait and follow you”. To be on the safe side, he hid in West Ham’s midfield for the entire season.

Clubman of the year: Lucas Neill for joining West Ham rather than Liverpool: “If West Ham was good enough for Bobby Moore, Martin Peters and Trevor Brooking, it’s good enough for me,” he badge-kissed. Obviously the £55,000 a week (Liverpool offered a mere £18,000) and get-out clause were incidentals.

It hurts to admit it, but he’s a genius: Cristiano Ronaldo.

Clubman of the year (2): Joey Barton who, after criticising Manchester City’s signings, beat one of them, Ousmane Dabo, to a pulp.

Pundit of the year: Jorge Valdano, former Real Madrid director of football, on Liverpool v Chelsea in the Champions League: “Put s* hanging from a stick in the middle of this passionate, crazy stadium and some will tell you it’s a work of art. It’s not: it’s s* hanging from a stick.”

Hubris of the year: Stuart Pearce lobbying for and taking the England Under-21 job. Some naysayers noted that perhaps Manchester City, who managed just 10 home league goals all season, deserved his time more.
Chelsea’s as they clapped out Manchester United at Stamford Bridge last week.

Performance of the season: Manchester United 7, Roma 1.
Shame it counted for nothing: Manchester United 7, Roma 1.

Most vague reason for sacking a manager: “He had a kind of blind spot to some extent around the areas we needed to strengthen.” Barnsley owner Patrick Cryne explains Andy Ritchie’s departure.

The Martin McGuinness and Ian Paisley Best Friends After All Award: Niall Quinn and Roy Keane. Runners-up: Mick McCarthy and Roy Keane. Third: Sir Alex Ferguson and Roy Keane.

It’s not all supermodels, minor pop stars, Baby Bentleys and holiday homes in Dubai: Boston’s players, unpaid since March, couldn’t afford the petrol to travel to training before their relegation decider at Wrexham. They were defeated and lost their league status.

Mission accomplished: Dennis Wise, appointed to take Leeds out of the Championship.

Clubman of the year (3): “Spineless, gutless, he is a maggot of a man. He is a coward on and off the pitch.” Luton Town’s Sol Davis on teammate Bjorn Runstrom.

They said it couldn’t be done, they were wrong: Liverpool reaching the Champions League final again.

They said it couldn’t be done, they were right: Watford maintaining their Premiership status.

The Harry Kewell Missing In Inaction Award: Harry Kewell (again).

He’s no Phil Scolari, then: Steve McClaren.

Come to think of it, he’s no Sven-Göran Eriksson either: Steve McClaren.

Bargain of the season: West Ham signing Matthew Upson: minutes on field, 41. Fee: £6m, plus a get-out clause. That’s £146,341 a minute.

Golfer of the year: Liverpool’s Prince Of Cuddles, Craig Bellamy.

You know it’s the end of the season because: the Thierry Henry to leave Arsenal rumours start again. Barcelona, again.

Most paranoid WAG: Belinda Coleman, who thought her husband, the then Fulham manager Chris, was having an affair and bugged his car. She sees more of him these days.

Punishments of the season: Bury thrown out of the FA Cup for breaking competition rules. AFC Wimbledon deducted 18 points (later cut to three) and fined for breaking competition rules. West Ham United merely fined for breaking competition rules.

The point at which blind stupidity meets an insatiable desire for publicity: WAGs Boutique.

Inspired sacking of the season: Sunderland chairman Niall Quinn firing manager Niall Quinn in August.

How right they were, eh? The early-season protesters who picketed Manchester United’s training ground calling for Alex Ferguson to go.

Lemming of the year: Mike Newell, leapt over Luton’s cliff after criticising female linespeople, the club chairman and Luton’s transfer policy while, according to the club, enjoying a contract which allowed him to bank 10% from every sale.

Most unfriendly friendly: QPR v China under-23s in February, abandoned after China defender Zheng Tao was knocked unconscious during a brawl that featured all 22 players and some coaching staff.

Bookworm of the season: Sheffield Wednesday’s Graham Coughlan, who answered “Cliff Richard” to the question, “Who wrote 1984?”

The Francis Lee Memorial Double Pike Award: Didier Drogba.
Many a true word . . . Stewart Downing on Ronaldinho: “I’d love some of his skills but I’d probably fracture something trying to do them.”

Underachievers:Newcastle, Crystal Palace, Huddersfield, Wycombe.

Where are they now? David O’Leary, Manchester City’s flair, Glenn Roeder, Brighton’s new ground, Simon Clifford, Blackburn Rovers’ crowds.

Women of the year: Arsenal Ladies, they’ve won everything and none of them have moved to Chelsea.

And to look forward to? June 16, when Gary Neville marries long-suffering Emma Hadfield, Michael Carrick weds long-suffering Lisa Roughhead and Steven Gerrard makes an honest woman of Alex Curran.

Some international squad members have some hard decisions, except John Terry, who’ll be busy, having tied the knot with Toni Poole the day before.

Joe Lovejoy’s end-of-term report
Player of the Season Cristiano Ronaldo. Even Wayne Rooney has fallen under the winker’s spell

Manager of the Season Roy Keane. From relegation fodder to Championship champions. Even those assassin’s Irish eyes must be smiling.

Flop of the Season Andriy Ballack, or is it Michael Shevchenko?

Good riddance 1 Leeds United - Ken Bates, Dennis Wise et al
Good riddance 2 The Millennium stadium, and the endless car park that was the M4
Lukewarm welcome The new Wembley and the endless car park that is the A406

Nicest interviewee Liverpool’s Dirk Kuyt with ‘Is that enough for you [after 40 minutes]? We can talk more if you like’

Worst start to an interview Didier Drogba with ‘You’ve got two minutes before the team bus goes’

Alternative best finish to an interview Sam Allardyce with: ‘I’ll pay for lunch’

Welcome back Sunderland and their diehard legions

Oh no, not you again Birmingham, and the dump that is St Andrews

Suicidal press conference of the year England’s Steve McClaren, after the triumph that was Andorra: ‘You can write what you like’ before exiting, stage right

Dead Man Walking award The maladroit McClaren again. How did he get that job?

David Irving award for rewriting history Sven-Göran Eriksson and ‘they still love me’. Are you sure?

The sun has stopped shining and it is tipping it down again!

In fact I am seriously thinking about putting the heating on!

Have fun doing this one

Question 1:

If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three
who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had
syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?

Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
Question 2:

It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.

Here are the facts about the three candidates.

Candidate A

Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologist.
He's had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10
Martinis a day.

Candidate B

He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon , used Opium in
college and drinks a quart of whiskey every evening.

Candidate C

He is a decorated war hero. He's a vegetarian, doesn't smoke,
Drinks an occasional beer and never cheated on his wife.

Which of these candidates would be our choice?

Decide first... no peeking, then scroll down for the response.

Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.

Candidate B is Winston Churchill.

Candidate C is Adolph Hitler.

And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:

If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.

Pretty interesting isn't it? Makes a person think before judging
someone.

Remember:

Amateurs built the ark
Professionals built the Titanic

A farmer went out one day and bought a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says,

"OK old fart, time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?" The young rooster says, "Beat it: You are washed up and I am taking over.." The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop." The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance, old man. So, just to be fair, I will give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the front porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap.

He is only about 5 feet behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - he blows the young rooster to bits. The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
"Darn.....third gay rooster I bought this month."

Moral of this story? ...

Don't mess with the OLD FARTS - age, skill, and treachery will always overcome youth and arrogance!

A mother passing by her daughter's bedroom, was astonished to see the
bed was nicely made, and everything was neat and tidy. Then, she saw
an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,
"Mum."

With the worst premonition and trembling hands, she opened the
envelope and read the letter,

Dear, Mum.

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new boyfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
you and dad.

I've found real passion with a boy called Ralph, he is so nice, but I
knew you wouldn't approve of him, because of all his piercings,
tattoos, biker clothes, and because he is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion Mum, I'm pregnant.

Ralph said that we will be very happy together. He owns a trailer in
the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share
a dream of having many more children. Ralph has opened my eyes to the
fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it
for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune,
for

all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS,
so Ralph can get better. He sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Mum, I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday,

I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your
grandchildren.

Love, your daughter,

Sophie.

P.S.

Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Laura's house. I just
wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than school
reports - that's mine on the desk. Call me when it's safe for me to
come home.

After a day where it has done nothing but tip down with rain, where the poor year 6 children have been stuck indoors as a result and not been allowed to let off steam and run around after there exams, where three children have told their parents they are being bullied and so we have had to take statements, where a computer has refused to connect to the internet or network, where a laminator has decided that heating up is not on its list of priorities, where a photocopier has decided to give me 100 copies instead of 1 copy ...........................................................................It is a wonder I am still sane!

Yes that sums up my day. If it could go wrong it has. If I heard one more child whinge I will scream!

Just waiting for hubby and kids to go out and there is a lovely bottle of wine waiting for me to pour a glass of it!

Not good for the diet I admit but at the moment I just need to chill!

The sun is now shining, what use is that at the end of the day when I needed it earlier! ::

I am breathing deeply. I am glad to be home. The next couple of weeks are going to be long. Thankfully next week I am only working 3 days hallelujah!!!

Perhaps I may just be able to do some housework lol

Its raining again!

In other news, lunches are made - pasta salad for me and Simon, ham sandwiches for Richard (though to be fair he made his own).

Sent text to friend telling her what tiem I will pick her kids up to take to school - I am doing school run for her this week as she has had an operation.

I am in a rush, started out with lots of time and now have very little left - where has it gone!

that is my exciting day so far! Heading of now, have a good day and really hope today is better then yesterday