Spread your wings and fly away

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Carolyn
that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only
have
18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again ?"

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realised he now had only eight
hours of life left.

He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, Honey ? Please ? Just one more
time before I die."

She agreed, then afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and
turned until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. Honey, I only have
four hours left ! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry, I'm not
being funny ...but I have to get up in the morning and you don't."

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of
April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm
spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat
down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30
years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that
good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and
told him

"Take me, young man. Take me now!"

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him,
the little bastard

In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic
name.

For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of
Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also called
Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After
careful
consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced
that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also
considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of
course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp announced today that Viagra will soon be available in
liquid
form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable
for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour
himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink,
and it gives new meaning to the names of "cocktails", "highballs" and
just a good old-fashioned "stiff drink". Pepsi will market the new
concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast
implants
and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040,
there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Fresh Minds See Things Differently - a child's point of view:

1. NUDITY

I was driving with my three young children one warm summer
evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up
and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the
shock, I heard my 5-year old shout from the back seat, 'Mom!
that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'

2. OPINIONS

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a
note from his mother. The note read, 'The opinions expressed
by this child a re not necessarily those of his parents'

3. KETCHUP

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar.
During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year
old daughter to answer the phone. 'Mommy can't come to the
phone to talk to you right now. 'She's hitting the bottle.'

4. MORE NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the
women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst
into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's
the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?'

5. POLICE #1

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary
school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old.
Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, 'Are you a
cop?' Yes,' I answered and continued writing the report. 'My
mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is
that right?' 'Yes, that's right,' I told her. 'Well, then,' she
said as she extended her foot toward me, 'would you please tie my
shoe?'

6. POLICE #2

It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front
of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner,
Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. 'Is
that a dog you got back there?' 'It sure is,' I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of
the van. Finally he said, 'What'd he do?'

7. ELDERLY

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to
elderly shut-ins I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my
afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various
appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and
wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false
teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable
barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, 'The
tooth fairy will never believe this!'

8. DRESS-UP

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When
she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, 'Daddy, you
shouldn't wear that suit.' 'And why not, darling?' 'You know
that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'

9. DEATH

While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our
minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his
collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year old son and his playmates
had found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be
performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting.
They dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the
deceased The minister's son was chosen to say the
appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his
version of what he thought his father always sang: 'Glory be to
the Father, and to the Son, and into the hole he goes.'

10. SCHOOL

A little girl had just finished her first week of school, I'm
Just wasting my time,' she said to her mother. 'I can't read, I
can't write and they won't let me talk!'

11. BIBLE

A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as
he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell
out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it.
What he saw was on old leaf that had been pressed in
between the pages. 'Mama, look what I found,' the boy called
out. 'What have you got there, dear?' With astonishment in
the young boy's voice, he answered, 'I think it's Adam's
underwear.'

Sometimes the best lesson in life comes from the
innocent minds of children yet unaltered by today's society.

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following
questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used
bigger
parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything
nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his backgroun d. Like is he a crook?
Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a
lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma
says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a
goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at
work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them .
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your
friend's.
4. Moms have magic; they make you feel better without
medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind
of
plastic surgery.
2. Dye it. You know her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get
rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was
my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back
of her head.

Happy Birthday hun!

Hope you had a good day

Hugs xxxxxx