Spread your wings and fly away

The Koala and the Little Lizard A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past , looks up and says "Hey Koala! What are you doing?" The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is dry and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river. A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink. The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!" So the koala looks down at him and says: "Shhhiiittttt dude!! ...How much water did you drink?!!"

Before and after marriage Before - You take my breath away. After - I feel like I'm suffocating. Before - Twice a night. After - Twice a month. Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation. After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac. Before - Ricky & Lucy. After - Fred & Ethel. Before - Saturday Night Live. After - Monday Night Football. Before - He makes me feel like a million dollars. After - If I had a dime for every stupid thing he's done... Before - Is that all you are eating? After - Maybe you should just have a salad, honey. Before - Wheel of Fortune. After - Jeopardy. Before - It's like living a dream. After - It's a nightmare. Before - Flowers-$60/dozen. After - $1.50/stem. Before - Turbocharged. After - Needs a jump-start Before - We agree on everything! After - Doesn't she have a mind of her own? Before - Clothes-Victoria's Secret. After - Fruit of the Loom. Before - Idol. After - Idle. Before - He's lost without me. After - Why can't he ask for directions? Before - When together, time stands still. After - This relationship is going nowhere. Before - Croissant and cappuccino. After - Bagels and instant coffee. Before - Oysters. After - Fishsticks. Before - I can hardly believe we found each other. After - How the hell did I end up with someone like you? Before - Romeo and Juliet. After - Bill and Hillary Clinton.

Things That Sound Dirty at the Office but Aren't * I need to whip it out by 5. * Mind if I use your laptop? * Just stick it in my box. * If I have to lick one more, I'll gag! * I want it on my desk, NOW!!! * Hmmmm...I think it's out of fluid! * My equipment is so old, it takes forever to finish. * It's an entry-level position. * When do you think you'll be getting off today? * It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there! * Have you checked your hard disk for viruses? * I've increased my RAM for more power.

Interesting morning. One building society, has a cheque paid in on Tuesday which clears on Friday, allowing us to draw it out today.

Other building society has a cheque paid in to account last Saturday, was told it would be cleared on Friday but in actual fact it hasn't cleared and won't clear until Monday!

So there I am, needing the money for the car that I am due to pick up today, arguing with the poor cashier to get hold of a cheque that I need them to write out, until I tell them that if I cannot have a cheque I will close all my accounts today. There are three of them.

Surprise, surprise, cheque is printed for me so that I can collect car.

Car is now sitting on my drive, in full glory having been taken for a spin to Bedford and back.

I must admit getting into a car after all this time was a bit nerve racking but got there and back safely so at least my confidence is a bit better.

Really must get on a nd do some housework , but can't be bothered, just going to chill for now and play a game or too

Hope you are all having a good day

hugs xx