Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, '"Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I have a suppository in my ear?" She pulled it out and stared at it.
Then she said, "Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid."

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When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea.
No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea." Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was."

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An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise." The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

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A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"

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When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee."
I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.

I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. " I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is." Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

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THE SENILITY PRAYER
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales. At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch, they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the waitress, 'Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us. Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?' The girl leaned over and said, ' Burrr-Gurrr-King'.

Purple Hats

In honor of Beautiful Women's Month and in memory of Belinda Emmett who lost
her fight with cancer, please pass this on to five women.

If you don't know five women to pass this on to, one will do just fine.

'If I had my life over'
By Belinda Emmett
(written after she found out she was dying from cancer)

I would have gone to bed when I was sick instead of pretending the Earth
would go into a holding pattern if I weren't there for a day... I would have
burned the pink candle sculpted into a rose before it melted in storage... I
would have talked less and listened more... I would have invited friends
over to dinner even if the carpet was stained or the sofa faded... I would
have eaten popcorn in the 'good' living room and worried much less about the
dirt when someone wanted to light a fire in the fireplace... I would have
taken the time to listen to my grandfather ramble about his youth... I would
have shared more of the responsibility carried by my husband... I would
never have insisted the car windows be rolled up on a summer day because my
hair had just been teased and sprayed... I would have sat on the lawn with
my grass stains... I would have cried and laughed less while watching
television and more while watching life... I would never have bought
anything just because it was practical, wouldn't show soil or was guaranteed
to last a lifetime...

Beautiful Women's Month

Age 3 She looks at herself and sees a Queen

Age 8 She looks at herself and sees Cinderella

Age 15 She looks at herself and sees an Ugly Sister ('Mum, I
can't go to school looking like this!')

Age 20 She looks at herself and sees 'too fat / too thin /
too short / too tall / too straight / too curly' - but decides she's going
out anyway

Age 30 She looks at herself and sees 'too fat / too thin /
too short / too tall / too straight / too curly' - but decides she doesn't
have time to fix it, so she's going out anyway

Age 40 She looks at herself and sees 'clean' and goes out
anyway

Age 50 She looks at herself and sees 'I am' and goes wherever
she wants to

Age 60 She looks at herself and reminds herself of all the
people who can't even see themselves in the mirror anymore - goes out and
conquers the world

Age 70 She looks at herself and sees wisdom, laughter and
ability and goes out to enjoy life

Age 80 Doesn't even bother to look - just puts on a purple
hat and goes out to have fun with the world

Maybe we should put on that purple hat earlier...

If you don't mind, send this on to all the women you are grateful to have as
friends.

Maybe we should all grab that purple hat earlier

An Interview with an 80-year-old Woman

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady
because she had just got married -- for the 4th time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about
what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about
her new husband's occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting,' the newsman thought. He then asked her if she
wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first 3
husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all
those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face
and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first
married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a
circus ringmaster when in her 40s, later on a preacher when
in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked
why she had married 4 men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married 1 for the money, 2
for the show, 3 to get ready, and 4 to go.'

I wan't going to post this in case it offended any BMW car drivers out there, but as i nearly avoided a collision with one earlier today as he reversed out of his driveway onto a major road then proceeded to scream abuse at me just because I tooted him so he knew I was there, I came home and found this email and had to smile.

The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars. First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap, between two cars in order to get onto my motorway! (The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn).

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane. Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway,
but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!
Naturally, I got to within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.
Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me! He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights on his front grille and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car. Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew “That my car goes fast!”
Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my driver's licence to a Police Station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either. They're £20 each and I was only allowed 3). But the man at the Police Station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take if off me!
See, now THAT's the sort of respect you get when you drive a BMW.

There isn't much I want to say, But due to recent events thought I had better warn you about the following:

I'm not usually one for posting warnings about potential scams but I had a close call yesterday.
I walked into B&Q hardware store at lunchtime and some old guy dressed in a black shirt with an orange apron on asked me if I wanted decking.
Fortunately, I got the first punch in and sorted the bastard out. Those less suspecting might not be so lucky.

Pass this warning on.

Have a good day