Spread your wings and fly away

From the state of some of our wedding photographs and the mistakes he made, I firmly believe our "qualified" wedding photographer didn't know either!

here

There are days when you manage to wrestle out of those bed covers and wonder why the bloody hell did you bother.

So that is how I felt yesterday.

The day before that I was totally shattered, yet not knowing really why. Ok so I had a late night the night before, but I have had that every week- afterall the quiz is important, we should be there, even if one of your group is ill and 3 others are on holiday and despite getting really good scores you still don't win

So Saturday, when I would rather have stayed in bed, there I was being kicked out and having a shower at some unearthly time on a weekend morning and trying to make something of a face so that it won't scare the shoppers of Luton - or wherever the hell we end up! In this case though we ended up in Hemel Hempstead - breakfast in Debenhams there is so much nicer - and spent far too much money as per usual.

Here I discovered that I no longer fit into a size 16 but have crept to an 18 in my skirts. Here I discover that primark have a nice range in linen trousers for the summer and not in a size that fits. Here I discover that half the things on my shopping list I cannot get. Forget that I am already feeling peed off that I cannot meet a friend this summer at a lovely beach due to work. Forget that there are some lovely bloggers out there that I want to meet again and cannot do. Forget that November, despite promising that I will be a blog meet, I may not be able to do. I am already depressed about all of these, and then I discover I have gone up a dress size!

So home. Try on a few things I have purchased for the holidays. Hubby says how good I look, the one person I trust to tell me truthfully and all I want to do is cry.

Silly thing is he loves me for who I am. He says that after 20 years of us being together I still have the ability to turn him on. He says there are days when he just has to look at me and he knows he wants me. He loves me dearly. I am still the same person he met all those years ago that he loves. So why can't I accept that?

My mind is all over the place.

I sign on here and so many people on my friends list are not feeling good either. Is this due to the fluctuating weather? Is this silly season? I can't help it I worry. I get concerned. I feel a connection particularly if it is with people I have met that are going through problems. Perhaps I am in too deep. Perhaps it is time to call it a day.

Thing is I care. Probably too much at times. It is the same with other friends, those outside blogland. I know they have problems, I want to help I know I can't so I sit on the sidelines and hope that they get through it. They know I am here. Doesn't make it any easier though. Then I do something really stupid and play some music and find that every other song takes me back, to memories of times gone past. Brings back things best forgotten. Did I say my head is a mess?

Have you ever been on a train or in a library - in fact anywhere - reading a newspaper or book and realised someone is looking over your shoulder and reading what you are reading? I woke up with that feeling this morning. My Guardian angel is here, as he always is when I am feeling this way, gently guiding, waiting to come to me in my dreams and helping me feel more in control rather than this emotional wreck that I was when I woke. How long he will be here for determines how long it will take me to snap out of whatever cloud is threatening to engulf me. But I know he is here to guide me to help me through this and yes I will get through I will see an end and I will get through.

Today I have discovered through an email, that I am selling a computer. Today, on one of the email addresses that I rarely log into and use, I looked on it and discovered several people are asking me questions about a computer I am selling. I also find that I have two pay pal accounts. What is curious about this is I do not have a pay pal account, never signed up for one, neither do I have an ebay account or am I selling a computer. According to my credit report there is nothing to suggest anything suspicious happening. I have since signed up to a data protection site though, care of the same company that I have signed up to to protect my cards following them being cloned a few weeks back. There are days when you just don't know where to begin or where to end.

Despite this though, today has been good. I have chilled. I have sat in the garden, finished a book and gone through a bottle of Rose wine and eaten a nice healthy salad. Tomorrow as they say is another day, today can take care of itself.

And no before you ask, I will still be here, I am not going anywhere