Spread your wings and fly away

There's this bird called Mary, yeah?

She's a virgin (wossat then?)

She's not married or nuffink, but she's got this boyfriend, Joe, innit?

He does joinery an' that.

Mary lives with him in a crib, dahn Nazaref.

One day Mary meets this bloke Gabriel. She's like, `Oo you lookin at?'

Gabriel just goes 'You got one up the duff, you have.'

Mary's totally gobsmacked.

She gives it to him large 'Stop dissin' me yeah? I ain't no Kappa-slapper. I never bin wiv no one!'

So Mary goes and sees her cousin Liz, who's six months gone herself.
Liz is largin' it.

She's filled with spirits, Barcardi Breezers an' that.

She's like 'Orright, Mary, I can feel me bay-bee in me tummy and I reckon I'm well blessed. Think of all the extra benefits an' that we is gonna get.'

Mary goes 'Yeah, s'pose you're right'

Mary an' Joe ain't got no money so they have to ponce a donkey, an' go dahn Befle'em on that.

They get to this pub an' Mary wants to stop, yeah? To have her bay-bee an' that.

But there ain't no room at the inn, innit? So Mary an' Joe break an' enter into this garridge, only it's filled wiv animals. Cahs an' sheep an' that.

Then these three geezers turn up, looking proper bling, wiv crowns on their heads.

They're like `Respect, bay-bee Jesus', an' say they're wise men from the East End.

Joe goes: 'If you're so wise, wotchoo doin' wiv this Frankenstein an' myrrh? Why dincha just bring gold, Adidas and Burberry?'

It's all about to kick off when Gabriel turns up again an' sez he's got another message from this Lord geezer.

He's like 'The police is comin an' they is killin' all the bay-bees.
You better nash off to Egypt.'

Joe goes 'You must be monged if you think I'm goin' dahn Egypt on a minging donkey'

Gabriel sez 'Suit yerself, pal. But it's your look out if you stay'.

So they go dahn Egypt till they've stopped killin the first-born an' it's safe an' that.

Then Joe and Mary and Jesus go back to Nazaref, an' Jesus turns water into Stella.

Dear Wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.

You're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
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Dear Ex-Husband:

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you; felt we could work it out.

So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Ja maica, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Your Ex-Wife, Rich as Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

_______________________________________________________________________

On a serious note, the spurs hotline, i.e. the spurs supporting friends of hubby that find out information about our family before we do, have informed us that hubby's brother is divorcing his second wife. We have no idea why, all we do know is, he hasn't told us or his mother, then again we were never invited to the wedding either, so not likely to be told are we lol

It hurt logging onto my emails this morning and finding all these special offers from Amazon, special offers from the catalogues I have, even more offers from other companies. I didn't click on the links, I deleted straight away. I may even send them to my spam file.

I made a decision last night as I lay awake in bed after a huge panic attack, following a nasty dream, which woke the entire household with my screaming, and probably next door as well ( must remember to apologise to them before they get the wrong idea ), that 2009 will be the year I sort out my finances and not spend on anything unnecessary just because i can. That is not a good way to do things. I will save some of my wages, I will make sure I pay off my catalogues and get as much as I can paid off.

This will mean Amazon, Play.com, etc are likely to have a panic attack at me not spending on their sites. I have clothes in abundance that I can wear without having to buy new, they will have to make do another year so that I can sort myself out.

My fear is having gone through one recession and hitting rock bottom, having the same happening again. Ok hubby is in work, unlike last time when he was self employed, but nothing can be taken for granted these days can it?

January has always been a tight month financially. Not helped by the fact that you pay all your bills and total up how much Christmas has cost and found that you don't have as much money to play with as you thought you did. Fortunately the freezer is full and so we shall live off that for the month.

Fortunately I haven't been one for sales, so despite braving the chill air, venturing forth to town to pay some cheques in at the bank, I wasn't tempted to pop into the many shops that shouted at me 'half price sale' which were crowded and had far too many people in them haggling over the one item. I swear the people in Boots, where we went so that hubby could top up on his toiletry stock, were searching out the bargain for the Christmas present an unsuspecting mum,dad, aunt or uncle will be getting next year as their present by the amount of people who had filled up on the three for two half price items in their baskets! I justified the new pencil case I purchased in WHSmith, not as a frivolous purchase but a necessary one, after all it had a picture of Eeyore on it, will hold a great many pens and pencils in it and it was the only one left on the shelf, couldn't leave it there could I? Hubby laughed, after all he had already spent the best part of £20 on himself, he wasn't going to begrudge me £4.99

So after sorting out the finances, working out what I will have to spend over the following month, I can happily say I am feeling a little bit better about things. I approach the new year hoping that it will go ok, that we don't get hit by the big CC and that we survive it intact. I feel for those that will not, been there done that, just hoping that we are not affected too badly this time round.

Have a good day xx