Spread your wings and fly away

A woman comes home and tells her husband, 'Remember those headaches
I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Angie referred me to a hypnotist & he told me to
stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat,

I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache
I do not have a headache

Well, it worked! The headaches are all gone.'

'Well, that is wonderful' proclaims the husband.

His wife then says, 'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire
in the bedroom these last few years, why don't you go see the
hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

Reluctantly, the husband agrees to try it.

Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his
clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts
her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps
into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'WOW! - that was wonderful!'

The husband says, 'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even
better than the first time.

The wife sits up and her head is spinning 'OH MY GOD' she proclaims.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him in the bathroom, she sees him
standing at the mirror and saying .....

She's not my wife
She's not my wife
She's not my wife'

His funeral service will be held Saturday....

I, MAXINE, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine

Chocolate

Margarita

Chocolate

Martini

Chocolate

Chicken fried steak

Cream gravy

Chocolate

Mexican food

Chocolate

French fries

Chocolate

Pizza

Chocolate

Ice cream

Cup of coffee

Chocolate

Chocolate

Sex

Chocolate

. . . it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached,

I hereby instruct my appointed person and

attending physicians to pull the plug,

reel in the tubes,

let the 'fat lady sing,'

and call it a day!

Please read to fully appreciate the time and effort that
this guy takes to help his wife !

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older,it becomes harder

for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.

When you notice this, try not to shout at them.
Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Rod.
Let me relate how I h and led the situation with my wife,Tricia.
When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for
Tricia to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she
gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am,
she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before
she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to
take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table.
I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question.
I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get in!

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.
I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times
each evening that they won't clean themselves.
I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her
to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she
will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour.

But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement.
I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days.
That way she won't have to rush so much.
I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her.
I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn
and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house.
It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Matchof the Day',
but I try not to make a scene.
I'm a fair man.

I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while and as long as
she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Tricia.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult.
Some will find it impossible!
Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of
your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing
it was well worthwhile.
After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

EDITOR'S NOTE:

Rod died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley
screwdriver rammed up his a*se with only 2 inches showing.

His wife Tricia was arrested, but the all-woman jury
accepted her defence that he accidentally sat on it!!

THIS IS A STORY ABOUT A COUPLE WHO HAD BEEN
HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS.
THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S
HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.

HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.
SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT.

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND
ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS
WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS..

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS
USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

'WHAT DO YOU MEAN?' ASKED HIS WIFE.

'WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED.

BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN

Lost a friend from my list and have no idea who it is, maybe because I haven't looked closely enough!

Whoever you are hope you are ok

Hugs x

If your computer does this when copying a file...

You KNOW it's been infected with some bad shit.

Have a good day